The Submarine Pen - yeetMaster69 - 碧蓝航线 (2024)

Chapter 1: Not your typical group chat

Chapter Text

*BlancheTheFunny has created ‘The Submarine Pen’*

*BlancheTheFunny added CrackScientist, Iroha and 10 others*

BlancheTheFunny: Let the chaos begin…

CrackScientist: What the f*ck is this

Iroha: I don’t even know half of the people in this group chat…

Parsival: Blanche, you’re the commander

Parsival: You’re supposed to be more professional than this

BlancheTheFunny: Yeah but I’m also an 18 year old girl with a broken sense of humor

Parsival: Fair enough…

Tuna: Shouldn’t we introduce ourselves first?

Tuna: I have no idea who is who

BlancheTheFunny: Alright, I guess we’ll do that

BlancheTheFunny: Each says their name and a fun fact about themselves, I’ll start first

BlancheTheFunny: I’m Blanche and I’m probably the only commander who tries to have fun with their shipgirls

CrackScientist: My name is U-73

CrackScientist: I’m Blanche’s secretary and I stream on Twitch every night on weekends

Iroha: I’m I-168 and one of my hobbies is making coffee for U-101

SharkieBoo: I’m U-101 and I’ve been dating Iroha for more than 6 months

SeaBunny: I’m I-26 and I cry when someone pulls on my ears

OtherSeaBunny: I’m I-25 and I once whacked my sister in the face with my keyboard

SeaBunny: f*ck you still for that

RedNeko: I’m I-19 and I speedran Devil May Cry 5 in an hour

CrackScientist: I call bullsh*t

RedNeko: Then YOU try and beat that time!

Crack Scientist: Bet

BlancheTheFunny: Let’s move on

ImReading: I’m I-56 and I don’t support social interaction

BlancheTheFunny: Same

BlancheTheFunny: I have an internal struggle every time I want to ask the McDonalds cashier for extra ketchup packets

Parsival: I’m U-556 and I don’t know what’s going on anymore

Tuna: I’m Albacore and I once got yelled at by Enterprise to the point that I cried

BlancheTheFunny: Enterprise already apologized to you

Tuna: I’m still not gonna forgive her

JustCav: I’m Cavalla and Blanche comes to me to ask for memes

BlancheTheFunny: Apparently I’m the naval base’s meme dealer

Garlic: My name is U-110 and I’m a shark not garlic

BlancheTheFunny: I beg to differ

AlwaysHorni: I’m U-37 and I live up to my name

BlancheTheFunny: You know that clip of a guy running down a tunnel screaming “SEX” at the top of his lungs?

AlwaysHorni: Yeah

BlancheTheFunny: You radiate the same energy

BlancheTheFunny: SEGGGS!!!!

CrackScientist: UOOOHHH SEGGGGGGS!!!!!

CrackScientist: I… I’M NOT DOING SEX!

CrackScientist: MY WHOLE EXISTENCE HAS TRULY BECOME SEX!

BlancheTheFunny: SEGGGGSSS!!!!

BlancheTheFunny: Great start to the chat everyone

Chapter 2: Random conversations

Chapter Text

The Submarine Pen

CrackScientist: Capitalization is the difference between "I helped my uncle Jack off a horse.." and "I helped my uncle jack off a horse.."

BlancheTheFunny: f*ck you

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Tuna: We had a reunion for the Eagle Union submarines

Tuna: Archerfish walked into the room, filled up her plate, ate in a separate room and left.

Tuna: She was there for 4 minutes…

BlancheTheFunny: Mood

CrackScientist: Mood

JustCav:Mood

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RedNeko: Can you girls recommend any books that made you cry?

SharkieBoo: “The Boy in the Striped Pyjamas”

SharkieBoo: It’s just…

SharkieBoo: I’m sorry, even thinking about it makes me tear up a little…

SeaBunny: “The Fault In Our Stars” really hit me hard

RedNeko: Any other suggestions?

BlancheTheFunny: “Data Structures and Algorithms in Java (2nd Edition)”

BlancheTheFunny: The price of the book alone is probably enough to make anyone cry…

|------------------------------------------|

Iroha: Okay, tell me your weird breakfast cravings

Iroha: And go!

JustCav: McDonalds hashbrowns

Tuna: Breakfast Burrito from Taco Bell

ImReading: The sweet embrace of nothingness

BlancheTheFunny: Meth

CrackScientist: Crack

OtherSeaBunny: Crack

AlwaysHorni: puss*

RedNeko: Pizza

Garlic: Sleep

SeaBunny: Pickles

SharkieBoo: Your ass

Iroha: …

Iroha: I hate every single one of you

Chapter 3: RIP Blanche's Computer

Chapter Text

The Submarine Pen

*CrackScientist added BustyShark, Wallflower, Archerfish and EpicGamer96*

BlancheTheFunny: Haha

BlancheTheFunny: Crying is fun…

CrackScientist: What happened?!

BlancheTheFunny: So you know that I have a gaming PC right?

BlancheTheFunny: Well today I was on Discord and I heard a loud pop coming from it

BlancheTheFunny: So I look down under my desk and the water cooling system exploded and killed my 3090 f*cking awesome

EpicGamer96: Oh sh*t

EpicGamer96: I may not have a gaming PC but I can feel your pain

BlancheTheFunny: On the bright side my PC is still under warranty so at least the repair is free

BlancheTheFunny: Should be back by tomorrow

Iroha: Always gotta focus on those silver linings

Iroha: btw who are the 4 ppl who just joined the chat

BlancheTheFunny: I forgot to add them the first time lol

BlancheTheFunny: Girls introduce yourselves thank you

BustyShark: I’m U-47

EpicGamer96: I’m U-96

EpicGamer96: As my name suggests I’m a pro gamer

BlancheTheFunny: I remember you smashed your keyboard because you lost to me in a 1v1 on Modern Warfare

EpicGamer96: stfu

Wallflower: Anyway…

Wallflower: I’m I-58

Archerfish: I’m obviously Archerfish

BlancheTheFunny: Hey Archie

BlancheTheFunny: Doing alright?

Archerfish: Yeah, I suppose

BlancheTheFunny: If you need anyone to talk to, I’m always here

BlancheTheFunny: :3

Chapter 4: Alignment chart memes

Chapter Text

Sick days

Claims they never get sick: Iroha, U-101, I-25

Gets sick but shows up anyway: U-556, I-56, I-26

Literally never gets sick: U-73, Albacore

Stays home and works from home: U-47, Archerfish

Stays home and f*cks around on the computer: I-19, U-37, U-96, Cavalla

Actually sees a doctor: Commander Blanche, I-58, U-110

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When there’s an insect

Screams for 2 minutes straight: Commander Blanche

Calls for help: I-19, I-26, U-101, U-556, Albacore, Archerfish

Throws something at it: I-168, I-56, I-58

Kills it effortlessly: U-47, U-37, I-25, U-96

Traps it under a glass: Cavalla, U-110

Sprays it with hairspray and lights it on fire: U-73

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Fight in the hallways

Cheering: Commander Blanche, I-19, Archerfish

Calls one of the older shipgirls: U-556, U-47

Warns others when said shipgirl is coming: U-101, Albacore, I-168

Just passing by: I-25, I-56, I-58, U-110

The idiots fighting: Cavalla, U-37

Jumps in to break up the fight: I-26

Jumps in to join the fight: U-96, U-73

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Babysitting

Babysitter Supreme: Commander Blanche, I-19, Albacore, U-101

Sleeps the whole time: U-96, I-56, I-26

Might as well sell the kid to the devil: Cavalla, U-73, U-37

Says they don’t care but secretly keeps watch: I-168, I-56, I-25, U-47

The child: U-566, U-110, Archerfish

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Snack stuck in vending machine

Snakes arm through the slot: I-56, I-19, U-101, Archerfish

Shakes the vending machine: I-168, Albacore

Punches/Kicks the glass: U-96, Cavalla, I-26, U-37

Asks for help: U-556, U-110, I-58, I-25

All of the above in order: Commander Blanche, U-47

Actually breaks through the glass: U-73

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Cooking skill

Gordon Ramsay would be proud: Commander Blanche, U-47

Excellent cook: I-168, U-101, I-19

Knows most recipes: Albacore, I-25, I-58

Decent cook: Cavalla, I-56, I-26

Only knows basic recipes: Archerfish, U-37

Messes up instant noodles: U-96

Doesn’t know how to cook: U-556, U-110

Banned from the kitchen: U-73

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What they do when they’re sad

Cry: U-101, I-19, Cavalla, Archerfish, U-47, U-110

Listen to sad music: I-168, I-25, I-26

Do something to cheer up: U-37, U-96

Play video games: Commander Blanche, U-73

Pen down their feelings: I-56, I-58,

Look for someone to vent to: U-556, Albacore

Chapter 5: More random conversations

Chapter Text

The Submarine Pen

BlancheTheFunny: When Harry Potter lived under the stairs it’s considered child abuse

BlancheTheFunny: But in California it’s considered a $1600 studio apartment…

CrackScientist: California moment

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SharkieBoo: Do you ever realize how when you’re young you can fall down the stairs and be perfectly fine

SharkieBoo: And the instant you turn an adult your neck snaps when you sleep wrong?

BlancheTheFunny: I fell down the stairs as a kid and let me tell you that it was not perfectly fine…

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BustyShark: Girls I need dating advice

BustyShark: What do I look for in a partner

AlwaysHorni: Booba

BustyShark: Anyone besides her?

JustCav: Date someone who’ll forgive you for your past

BlancheTheFunny: Nah

BlancheTheFunny: Date someone who disregards your Cracker Barrel arson charge

CrackScientist: Date someone who was your accomplice in the Cracker Barrel arson

SeaBunny: Date someone who you met when you both showed up to burn down the same Cracker Barrel

BustyShark: Ok are you trolling me or do you just secretly love committing arson?

CrackScientist: Yes

|----------|

BlancheTheFunny: Guess who’s looking at memes instead of being productive?

Archerfish: Is it me?

BlancheTheFunny: No

BlancheTheFunny: It’s all of us lmao

|----------|

CrackScientist: Alright who the f*ck is screaming it’s 7am on a Sunday I’m tryna sleep

BlancheTheFunny: Telling from the voice it’s probably Hipper screaming at Eugen for coming back drunk

CrackScientist: How are you so sure about that?

BlancheTheFunny: That’s the neat part

BlancheTheFunny: I’m not

|----------|

BlancheTheFunny: How do I explain to the Fleet Admiral that the reason I didn’t show up to this month’s meeting is because in my dream I woke up and checked my email and saw that the meeting was cancelled and I believed it

Parsival: I do not think that there is any other way to explain that situation…

CrackScientist: Just say that your alarm clock died or something idk

BlancheTheFunny: Nvm I just told him straight up and he said it was okay

|----------|

Iroha: Girls I hear someone downstairs in the mess hall

Iroha: It’s 3am everyone is supposed to be asleep

SharkieBoo: Is it an intruder?!

SharkieBoo: I’m scared…

Iroha: I’ll come over in a bit

Iroha: someone go check on what it is

BustyShark: I’ll go check, I think I’m the only other one awake

CrackScientist: It’s probably some shipgirl that’s sleepwalking

CrackScientist: Or it could be a drunk Eugen

BustyShark: Why are you awake at this time?

CrackScientist: Phone vibrated so much it fell off my bedside table and landed on my face

BustyShark: I’m going downstairs to check now

BustyShark: I don’t see anyone but there’s a light coming from the fridge

CrackScientist: Who would want to steal our food?

BustyShark: Nvm it’s not an intruder

Iroha: Then who or what is it?

BustyShark: It’s the commander eating shredded cheese straight from the bag

CrackScientist: brb gonna go ask for some

Iroha: What’s with shredded cheese and eating it at 3am specifically?

Chapter 6: Roblox with Mutsuki

Chapter Text

The Submarine Pen

CrackScientist: @BlancheTheFunny

CrackScientist: Wanna play some Warzone?

BlancheTheFunny: Sorry, not today

BlancheTheFunny: I promised Mutsuki that I’d play ROBLOX with her

BlancheTheFunny: I mean, how could I say no?

CrackScientist: Can I join?

BlancheTheFunny: Sure I guess

BlancheTheFunny: Anyone else?

BlancheTheFunny: No?

BlancheTheFunny: Ok hop into the discord vc

Discord Voice chat: Commander, U-73, Mutsuki and Atago

Blanche: *Waving* hello!

U-73: Sup

Mutsuki: Hi commander!

Atago: Hello girls

U-73: Wait

U-73: Why is Atago here?

Atago: I’m just here to supervise Mutsuki

Atago: Just to make sure she doesn’t go onto any inappropriate games

Atago: Although I will join in on some of your games as well!

U-73: You have a ROBLOX account?

Atago: Yes, I do

Atago: I usually play role playing games with Kisaragi and Akagi-chan

Blanche: Oh, then let’s try playing one!

Mutsuki: *Shaking her head*

Mutsuki: Nooo, role playing is boring!

Mutsuki: All you do is type and wait for the other person to answer…

Blanche: Well, what do you want to play?

Mutsuki: I wanna play this game called “Phantom Forces”!

Blanche: *Excited* Wait, you play that game too?

Mutsuki: Mhm!

Mutsuki: I’m level 68 or something, I can’t remember…

U-73: You’ll be stunned when you see my Rank 100 skills!

Blanche: You play Phantom Forces?

U-73: It’s what I play when Warzone is down for maintenance

Blanche: Atago, do you know how to play?

Atago: Sorry, I have never heard of “Phantom Forces”

Blanche: Join us, it’s a first-person shooter game

Blanche: It’s like Battlefield Hardline in ROBLOX

Atago: I… have no experience with shooter games…

U-73: Never knew Atago was such a boomer

Atago: At least I’m younger than Mikasa!

Blanche: Just join us regardless

Phantom Forces server

[SKK_Blanche] AK74 [EatingYoTit]

[SKK_Blanche] AK74 [CandiceNutzFitInYa]

U-73: I’ve just joined the server and Blanche has already murdered 2 people

Blanche: Skill issue

Atago: How do I go into the game?

Blanche: Do you see a button that says “Deploy?”

Atago: Yes

Blanche: Press it

Atago: Sure…

Atago: Ok, I’m in the game

Atago: How do I shoot?

U-73: Wow, she really wasn’t lying when she said she doesn’t play FPS games…

Blanche: *Sigh* Press left-click to shoot, you can hold down right-click to aim

Blanche: Hold shift to run, press X to crouch, press Z to prone

Blanche: Press G to throw a grenade

Atago: So, like this?

[DoggoAtago] FRAG [DoggoAtago]

Atago: WHA-

Atago: How did I die?!

Blanche: *Wheeze*

Blanche: Atago, you want to throw the grenade away from you…

<After 5 minutes of trying to teach Atago how to play>

Atago: I…I think I got it now

Blanche: Okay, now follow me to the thing that says “Hill” and if you see someone shoot them

Atago: Okay…

Atago: Oh, I see someone!

[DoggoAtago] M4A1 [IAmASchoolShewter]

Atago: Yay, I got someone!

Blanche: There you go!

Blanche: You’re getting the hang of it!

[CrackScientist] KSG-12 [MeowMeowMutsuki]

U-73: I just killed Mutsuki!

Mutsuki: Suck my dick!

*Everyone stops*

Atago: *Horrified* Mutsuki, w-where did you learn that?

Mutsuki: Uhh…

Mutsuki: Someone online said that

Atago: WHAT?!

Atago: *On the verge of tears* D-did they ask you to do anything?

Atago: Please tell me they didn’t…

Atago: Oh, my poor Mutsuki…

Blanche: Calm down Atago, I’m sure it wasn’t a groomer

Blanche: Mutsuki, can you tell me when they said it to you?

Mutsuki: I was chatting to someone and they said “Suck my dick” to another person

Mutsuki: What does it mean?

Blanche: There’s two meanings

Blanche: The first meaning you’ll learn when you’re a few years older

Blanche: The second meaning is something you say when you’re very angry at someone

Blanche: Please promise me you will never say that in public, okay?

Mutsuki: I promise!

Blanche: Okay…

Blanche: Well, I was going to put in a “no swearing rule”

Blanche: Guess that’s gone out the window…

U-73: Mutsuki, before we continue playing, I want to tell you this

U-73: When the commander and I play these kinds of games, we use words that are not appropriate for children to say

U-73: However, we will allow you to say these things, but only within this group

U-73: Please promise me you won’t say any swear words outside of here.

U-73: Also, there are one word that is never appropriate to say, and it starts with the letter N

U-73: Can you promise never to say that word?

Mutsuki: I promise

Blanche: Alright

Blanche: Atago, are you okay?

Atago: Yeah, it’s just…

Atago: I’m a little uncomfortable with the concept of Mutsuki saying the f-word whenever she gets killed by someone

Blanche: Relax, it’s only between the four of us

Blanche: I’m sure no one will know that we basically taught Mutsuki how to swear…

Blanche: And I really hope no one knows, because Nagato is literally gonna whoop my ass if she finds out

Atago: Okay, since it’s only between us…

Blanche: Nice

[MeowMeowMutsuki] BFG-50 [SKK_Blanche]

Blanche: Come on!

Mutsuki: Hahahaha!

Mutsuki: Take that, commander!

Blanche: Oh, you’ve made a big mistake!

Blanche: Let’s see who’s the better sniper then!

[MeowMeowMutsuki] BFG-50 [SKK_Blanche]

Blanche: What the f*ck?!

Mutsuki: Wow, you’re bad!

Blanche: Alright, who taught Mutsuki how to trash talk?

Blanche: *Looks at in-game chat*

Blanche: Oh…

Blanche: Alright, I’m not giving up until I get you!

[MeowMeowMutsuki] BFG-50 [SKK_Blanche]

Mutsuki: Hahahahahaha!!!

Blanche: Right, that’s it!

Blanche: I’m getting my Angry Gun!

Mutsuki: What’s the Angry Gun-

[SKK_Blanche] NTW-20 [MeowMeowMutsuki]

U-73: Jesus Christ, commander…

U-73: That’s a bit much…

Blanche: Ain’t no kill like overkill

Atago: What’s an NTW-20?

U-73: Google it

U-73: I can’t be arsed to explain

Atago: Okay…

Atago: Oh my gosh!

Atago: That thing is massive!

Blanche: Yep!

Blanche: In-game it’s actually bigger than your character

Blanche: My favorite part is that it’s a guaranteed one-shot kill no matter where you shoot someone

[MeowMeowMutsuki] KNIFE [SKK_Blanche]

Mutsuki: Thanks for the free gun, commander

Blanche: *Sigh* You’re welcome…

Mutsuki: *Shoots gun*

Mutsuki: OW!

Mutsuki: That’s so loud!

<5 minutes later>

Blanche: Ayy, my team won!

U-73: We still have a bit of time left before we have to go back to work, so what should we do?

Blanche: Let’s play Little Angels Daycare!

U-73: Really…

Mutsuki: That’s so boring!

Blanche: Don’t worry, I know how to make it interesting…

Little Angels Daycare server

Blanche: Alright we’re in

[RainbowBaby812: Hi kids!]

[Aliyahlovesfoods: Hi Miss Lana!]

[jasminelove1345: Miss Lana!]

[elidoll: Hiii!]

Blanche: Look at all these kids happily going to daycare…

Mutsuki: I’ve always wanted to do this!

Blanche: Do what?

Mutsuki: Mess with other kid’s roleplays!

Blanche: Let’s f*ck it up!

Blanche: Time to deploy my Synapse Skid Division!

Commander Blanche’s Discord Server

The Commander Herself: @SS Division

The Commander Herself: https://www.roblox.com/games/345387015/PETS-Little-Angels-Daycare

The Commander Herself: Join this game, time to ruin some kids’ day

Little Angels Daycare server

[The Synapse Skid Division join Blanche’s game and immediately start wreaking havoc by using scripts and abusing glitches to break the game]

Blanche: OH MY GOD

Blanche: THIS IS GLORIOUS

Atago: Oh my gosh!

Atago: What are you doing?!

Mutsuki: *Maniacal laughter*

Mutsuki: YES!

U-73: Wow, the SS can really destroy a server in minutes

Blanche: The secret is to have a lot of people and pray that the game doesn’t crash

[Eventually, the game gets vandalized to such an extent that the server has to shut down just to prevent any more damage. Blanche had to eventually tell everyone to stop when they considered DDOSing the Little Angels Daycare discord server…]

Discord Voice chat: Commander, U-73, Mutsuki and Atago

Blanche: Alright, I think it’s time for us to say goodbye…

Blanche: This was actually fun, I enjoyed it a lot

Atago: I’ll admit I enjoyed it too

Atago: Even if Mutsuki swore in front of you…

Blanche: Remember, Mutsuki

Blanche: What is said in this group stays in this group, okay?

Blanche: Don’t say those words to anyone, not until you’re older!

Mutsuki: I promise

U-73: Okay, the commander and I have to go now

U-73: We have a big operation planned soon

Blanche: Bye Mutsuki!

Blanche: Bye Atago!

Atago and Mutsuki: Bye bye!

*DoggoAtago has disconnected*

*Mutsuki has disconnected*

Chapter 7: A very special day for a very special girl

Chapter Text

The Submarine Pen

SharkieBoo: Hey girls

SharkieBoo: Guess what day it is!

Iroha: It’s Thursday dummy

SharkieBoo: I know!

SharkieBoo: Besides that?

Parsival: Can you give us a hint?

SharkieBoo: It’s a very special day for me!

CrackScientist: The day you’re gonna lose your virginity?

SharkieBoo: That depends on whether Iroha is okay with that tonight ;)

Iroha: Can we please talk about that in private and not in front of everyone else?!

SharkieBoo: Anyway, here’s another hint

SharkieBoo: This special day only comes once a year

BlancheTheFunny: Oh I know!

BlancheTheFunny: It’s your birthday today!

SharkieBoo: Yes!

SharkieBoo: The commander wins!

SharkieBoo: It’s my birthday today, on the 13th of January!

CrackScientist: Happy birthday sis!

CrackScientist: Sorry I couldn’t get anything for a gift though…

SharkieBoo: That’s fine

SharkieBoo: What matters is that we all get to celebrate it together!

BlancheTheFunny: 17 years ago, on this day, my favorite mechanic was born. Not only is she wonderful in action, she is also a great friend to be around.

BlancheTheFunny: Happy Birthday, U-101!

Chapter 8: Random conversations part 3

Chapter Text

CrackScientist: I just learned how to commit mass genocide

CrackScientist: Step 1 go up to a man

CrackScientist: Step 2 kick them in the balls as hard as you can

CrackScientist: Congrats, you’ve just killed millions and you’re now a war criminal!

BlancheTheFunny: It’s 4am but I’m honestly interested in where this goes next…

|----------|

BlancheTheFunny: What’s a survival myth that’s completely wrong and could actually get you killed?

JustCav: Never f*ck a bear in the ass to assert dominance, you’ll just piss it off even more

BlancheTheFunny: I’m closing the thread

|----------|

CrackScientist: So I was taking a walk in the city

CrackScientist: And I saw a Chipotle ad with a wrapped burrito and text saying “Say goodbye to your butthole”

CrackScientist: Whoever thought of that I am both impressed and disgusted

BlancheTheFunny: That phrase has two interpretations

RedNeko: f*ck off

|----------|

BustyShark: Quick question

BustyShark: Does anyone here sleep naked?

CrackScientist: I never sleep naked

CrackScientist: Don’t want the demon under my bed to see me nude, she might get the wrong idea

AlwaysHorni: That’s exactly why I sleep naked

Tuna: U-37 really living up to her name, huh?

|----------|

BlancheTheFunny: Describe a video game as a Florida Woman headline and I’ll try and guess which game you’re talking about

CrackScientist: Florida Woman uses magic from giant floating golf ball to fight evil geometry

BlancheTheFunny: Let me guess, Destiny 2?

CrackScientist: Wow, how did you know?

BlancheTheFunny: Because I play that game

RedNeko: Florida woman steals the balls of tall black men in an attempt to activate a portal and defeat a dragon

BlancheTheFunny: Sorry, no clue…

RedNeko: it’s Skyrim

|----------|

SharkieBoo: Hey uhhh

SharkieBoo: What are some signs that a woman hasn’t matured?

BlancheTheFunny: Definitely if she ignores you when she’s mad or upset instead of resolving the problem and moving on

BlancheTheFunny: Wait…

BlancheTheFunny: Did you make Iroha upset?

SharkieBoo: Yeah…

SharkieBoo: She lost to me in a game of Warzone

BlancheTheFunny: Ah, I see

BlancheTheFunny: I’ll try talking to her

Direct Message: Commander Blanche and I-168

Blanche: Hey

Blanche: Iroha?

Iroha: What do you want?

Blanche: You’re upset because U-101 beat you in a game?

Iroha: So what?!

Iroha: I’ve been playing longer than her!

Iroha: I’m supposed to be better and I still lost!

Blanche: Skill issue lol

Iroha: HEY!!!

|----------|

Archerfish: The greatest weapon is not a gun or a bomb

Archerfish: it is big nose tv man

Archerfish: big nosee tv man is dangeros ples dont let him stab you with big his nose in tv

BlancheTheFunny: Archie are you okay?

Archerfish: thnk yuo Eguen for te beer

BlancheTheFunny: Nvm she got into Eugen’s beer stash

|----------|

BlancheTheFunny: What’s the most useless thing in the world?

CrackScientist: Windows Problem Reporting

CrackScientist: Thing does jacksh*t other than close whatever app froze

BlancheTheFunny: Yeah, I’d say it’s pretty high up on the list

Archerfish: What about the previous commander?

BlancheTheFunny: Yeah I agree

BlancheTheFunny: I’m glad High Command basically told him to go eat sh*t and die

BlancheTheFunny: Serves him right for what he did to you…

BlancheTheFunny: But I digress, any other useless things?

JustCav: The Maginot Line

BlancheTheFunny: The Iris Libre and Vichiya Dominion would like to have a word with you

BlancheTheFunny: Anything else that’s useless?

Tuna: Me…

Iroha: Yeah I agree, put it at the top of the list!

Iroha: Wait no

BlancheTheFunny: Albacore are you okay?

BlancheTheFunny: Albacore?

Tuna: Yeah I’m fine

Tuna: Brb gonna go cry

BlancheTheFunny: Wait what happened?

BlancheTheFunny: Albacore come back!

CrackScientist: Yeah, I think the most useless thing in the world is Iroha’s situational awareness

CrackScientist: Or rather the lack of it…

Chapter 9: A submarine up north

Chapter Text

Direct Message: Commander Blanche←→U-73 (2 weeks ago)

Blanche: Hey 73

U-73: Hey Commander!

U-73: You need something?

Blanche: I’m gonna be going on paid leave in 2 weeks to visit my family in Toronto, and I’ll be leaving Atago in charge for the time being.

Blanche: But it’s gonna be a bit lonely for me, since I don’t have any siblings and my extended family lives in Paris.

Blanche: So I was wondering if you’d like to join me and keep me company?

Blanche: I can show you around Canada if you want, too!

U-73: Of course I’d like to join you!

U-73: Good thing I have a Canadian citizenship, eh?

Blanche: Nice!

Blanche: Oh and one more thing

Blanche: It’s gonna be cold up there, so make sure to pack plenty of warm clothes.

Blanche: Don’t worry about introducing yourself, I’ve told my family about you guys a few times so they at least know a little about you.

|----------|

The Submarine Pen: (1 day before Blanche and U-73 leave)

*BlancheTheFunny added Atago*

BlancheTheFunny: Everyone

BlancheTheFunny: I have an announcement to make!

SharkieBoo: Ooh, what is it?

Iroha: Does it have something to do with Atago being here?

BlancheTheFunny: Actually it does

BlancheTheFunny: I’m gonna be leaving tomorrow to visit my family in Toronto, and U-73’s gonna be tagging along.

BlancheTheFunny: We’re gonna be gone for almost a month, so I trust that you guys will “behave” while I’m away.

SharkieBoo: Are you visiting because of any important reason?

BlancheTheFunny: Not really, I just wanted to visit them in person after not seeing them for so long.

BlancheTheFunny: Anyway, I’m leaving tomorrow in the afternoon.

BlancheTheFunny: I’ll send some photos of my trip as well, just to flex on you guys lol

Atago: While the Commander is away, she has asked me to make sure you all behave yourselves. I wouldn’t want to report any of you to your respective faction leaders, now would I?

BlancheTheFunny: Don’t worry about whether Atago is strict or not

BlancheTheFunny: She’ll let most things slide, just don’t go too crazy okay?

BustyShark: You have our word!

|----------|

Blanche and U-73: Los Angeles International Airport (5.00pm, present day)

<Blanche stood leaning against the railing behind the window at LAX gate 62, with U-73 standing beside her. The two looked out towards the taxiway where their flight would soon arrive.>

Blanche: *pointing at a plane landing*

Blanche: Look, an A350! Those are quite rare here in Cali!

U-73: *Snapping a photo*

U-73: Better take a photo of it before it flies away!

<Both the Commander and her Ironblood companion had already checked in their luggage and made their way through immigration; all they had to do now was wait for their flight.>

U-73: *Shivering slightly*

U-73: It’s kinda cold here…

U-73: I should’ve put my jacket on instead of packing it in my bag…

Blanche: Here, let me help.

<Blanche takes off her blue jacket, wrapping it around the Ironblood girl’s shoulders so she could stay warm. Since they were on leave, the two girls took advantage of that and put on whatever clothes they felt like wearing. For U-73, she put on a purple dress with a matching knee-length skirt and a black pantyhose. It was slightly girlish, but the shipgirl didn’t mind. In contrast, Blanche’s outfit consisted of a red button-up shirt, beige slacks and a blue parka, which was currently wrapped around U-73.>

U-73: Mmmm…

U-73: Warm…

Blanche: Haha, you’re so cute sometimes.

U-73: *pouting* Mou…

<After a few more minutes, the pair got tired of standing up and went to sit down. While waiting for their flight to arrive, U-73 felt a little drowsy, leaning her head into the crook of Blanche’s neck to take a little nap.>

*3 hours later*

Airport announcer person: Good evening passengers. This is the pre-boarding announcement for Air Canada flight 790 to Toronto. We are now inviting those passengers with small children, and any passengers requiring special assistance, to begin boarding at this time. Please have your boarding pass and identification ready. Regular boarding will begin in approximately ten minutes. Thank you.

<Blanche then took this as an opportunity to check their boarding passes one last time, going over the important things with a fine-toothed comb. About 10 minutes later, it was time for them to get on.>

Blanche: *Gently nudging U-73 awake* Psst, time to wake up…

U-73: *Half-asleep* H-huh?

U-73: *Seeing everyone already boarding* Oh, time to get on the plane!

<After boarding the plane, the blue-haired commander and her raven-haired companion made their way to their seats, which were luckily next to each other. They settled down, and simply basked in the peace of flying in an airplane…>

*Baby crying somewhere in the plane*

Blanche: Ah yes, the classic crying baby on an airplane…

Blanche: No flight would ever be complete without one.

U-73: Commander, can I punch that child in the face?

Blanche: *Chuckling* I’m pretty sure that would be frowned upon.

|----------|

Air Canada flight 790: 30 minutes after take-off (8.30pm LA time, 11.30pm Toronto time)

<Blanche looked around, taking in her surroundings. To her left was the airplane window, overlooking the landscape of California. To her right, U-73 was fast asleep, a complimentary blanket wrapped around her body. The Ironblood submarine was using Blanche’s shoulder as a pillow, a slight bit of drool dripping from her open mouth as she hugged the actual pillow like a stuffed animal.>

Blanche: *Ruffling U-73’s hair*

Blanche: Guess I’m gonna head off to sleep as well…

<The blue-haired 18 year old let out a yawn before nodding off to sleep herself.>

|----------|

Air Canada flight 790: 2 hours after take-off (10.00pm LA time, 1.00am Toronto time)

???: C-commander…

???: Please!

<Blanche was (relatively violently) shaken awake by something. She didn’t know whether it was turbulence or someone else, until she looked over to U-73…>

Blanche: ‘73, you okay?

<Said shipgirl was hunched over, one hand clutching her stomach while the other covered her mouth. Her face was pale, and her crimson eyes were brimming with tears.>

U-73: I… I don’t really feel that great…

<Realizing what was happening, Blanche frantically dug around in the seat pocket for something that U-73 could throw up into. Thankfully, there was an air-sickness bag provided by the airline. The blue-haired girl ripped open the bag before handing it over to the airsick shipgirl.>

U-73: Thanks…

<Without hesitation, U-73 proceeded to throw up whatever was in her stomach into the bag. Meanwhile, Blanche gently rubbed U-73’s back as the Ironblood shipgirl half-cried half-vomited into the paper bag. Eventually, she stopped, wiped her mouth with some paper towels, drank a sip of water, and leaned back into her seat.>

Blanche: Feeling a little better?

<A whimper was the only response the Commander got. She looked over to the raven-haired girl to see that she was quietly sobbing in embarrassment, her face buried in her hands.>

Blanche: Shh, it’s okay…

Blanche: Everyone gets airsick every once in a while

<Blanche pulled U-73 closer to her, letting the sniffling shipgirl lean into her shoulder. After a few minutes, U-73 calmed down, and promptly went back to sleep for the rest of the flight.>

|----------|

Toronto Pearson International Airport: 3.00am Toronto time

<Blanche and U-73 were standing at the baggage claim conveyor belt, waiting to collect their luggage. Since it was the ass-crack of dawn, it would be too early for one of Blanche’s parents to pick them up, meaning they would have to stay at the airport hotel until the following morning.>

Blanche: *Half-asleep* Uhhhhhh have you seen our stuff yet…

U-73: I don’t think so.

Blanche: Urghhhh…

Blanche: I wanna sleep…

<After collecting their luggage, the pair made their way to the nearest airport hotel where they checked in for the night. Lying in bed with U-73 by her side, Blanche was given an opportunity to reflect on the day…>

Blanche: So, how was it?

U-73: Mmm, it was alright

U-73: Aside from the air sickness and all that, it was actually pretty relaxing…

Blanche: Yeah…

Blanche: I missed coming back here.

Blanche: Feels good to be back where I grew up

U-73: Commander?

U-73: How are we gonna get to your place?

Blanche: I messaged my dad to come pick us up in a few hours.

Blanche: Let’s get some sleep until then…

<With that, the two peacefully drifted off to sleep.>

Chapter 10: More newcomers

Chapter Text

The Submarine Pen

*BlancheTheFunny added Catshark*

*BlancheTheFunny added Boneshark*

Catshark: Hello!

CrackScientist: Who’s that?

BlancheTheFunny: It’s U-81

CrackScientist: Oh, hi sis

CrackScientist: Who the hell is Boneshark?

BlancheTheFunny: Girls, meet U-1206

BlancheTheFunny: She’s the new girl at port, Atago told me about her

BlancheTheFunny: BTW U-1206 was actually transferred to our port from her previous one for… reasons

Boneshark: Hello everyone!

Boneshark: Wonder what’s it like here?

Boneshark: I would assume it’s better than what it was like back at my old naval base…

SharkieBoo: It’s pretty fun here, if not a bit chaotic

SharkieBoo: Partly due to the fact that the Commander is a Gen Z kid…

BlancheTheFunny: Gotta love Gen Z humor at times

BlancheTheFunny: Mind telling me what it was like back at your old naval base?

Boneshark: It wasn’t very good…

Boneshark: The commander there was the main cause of it

BlancheTheFunny: If they abused you or any of their other girls I swear to god I will fly to wherever they are just to beat the sh*t out of them

Boneshark: The commander wasn’t abusive, more of incompetent.

Boneshark: Although that doesn’t make it any better…

Boneshark: He would usually put one of the older girls in charge while he just slacked off

Boneshark: Eventually High Command got tired of his sh*t and fired him, and transferred all of his girls to different bases, which is how I ended up here.

BlancheTheFunny: I really hope your username “Boneshark” is not related to your experience at your previous base…

Boneshark: Nah, I got the idea after playing Subnautica

BlancheTheFunny: Ah, okay

BlancheTheFunny: BTW, you got here just in time

BlancheTheFunny: U-73 and I just came back from Canada!

Boneshark: Ooo how was it?

CrackScientist: It was actually pretty nice!

CrackScientist: The commander and I actually started a routine where we would stargaze on weekends.

CrackScientist: It was actually pretty peaceful…

BlancheTheFunny: Yeah, unfortunately I can’t do the same back here in CA because the only telescope I have is at my parent’s house in Toronto.

BlancheTheFunny: Anyway, it’s kinda late, so I’ll go greet U–1206 and U-83, and they can move in with me and U-73 until I can finish up their dorm assignment in the morning.

Catshark: Why not do the paperwork now?

BlancheTheFunny: It’s almost 1.00am

BlancheTheFunny: I’m already struggling to stay awake and overdosing on caffeine is not very headlkahjhslshaFHKFAKHFJASAJFHLASGKSFLSKHG

Boneshark: Oh no

Boneshark: Is she okay?

CrackScientist: Yeah, she just fell asleep

CrackScientist: I’ll go tuck her into bed

Catshark: Aww, that’s so sweet!

Catshark: Are you two engaged?

CrackScientist: No lol we’re just girlfriends

Boneshark: How often does the commander fall asleep on the spot like this?

CrackScientist: Very rarely

CrackScientist: She actually has a good sleep schedule

CrackScientist: I think this is around the third time she stayed up this late

Boneshark: That’s a little comforting, but I still have my doubts about her competence…

Chapter 11: Random interactions offline!

Chapter Text

U-73: Hey commander, would you slap me for $100 dollars?

Blanche: *Hugs U-73* Aww, of course not!

Meanwhile

I-26: Hey sis, would you sla-

I-25: *Immediately bitch-slaps I-26 across the face*

|----------|

U-73: *Pouring cereal*

U-73: Man, so glad they removed the nut from Honey Cheerios!

Blanche: Well, now you gotta add your own!

U-73: *Wheeze*

|----------|

<U-101 is reading a book while Iroha is watching TV on the couch next to her. In the background, Commander Blanche is playing UNO with Mutsuki.>

U-101: Hey Iroha, do you mind helping me solve this math problem?

I-168: Hm? What’s the problem?

U-101: Well…

U-101: *Smirking* We have to add the bed, subtract our clothes, divide our legs and multiply!

Blanche: *Covering Mutsuki’s ears as Iroha smacks her girlfriend upside the head*

Blanche: I’m not gonna lie, that was hella smooth…

|----------|

U-101: Umm, commander…

Blanche: Yeah?

U-101: D-do you have any lube?

Blanche: *Taking a bottle from under her desk*

Blanche: I think this is it?

U-101: Thanks…

Blanche: *Smirking* Getting frisky with Iroha tonight?

<U-101 nods vigorously and rushes out of the commander’s office.>

Later

U-73: Hey commander, have you seen my bottle of hand sanitizer anywhere?

Blanche: Which one?

U-73: The one that I asked you to keep under your desk.

Blanche:

Blanche:

Blanche: *Realization*

<U-101 can then be heard screaming and crying from her dorm room next door, while Iroha panics.>

U-73 and Blanche: *Look at each other*

U-73 and Blanche: Uh oh Spaghetti-Os!

|----------|

<The girls are gathered in Commander Blanche’s room at night, playing a game of Truth or Dare.>

U-101: *Spins the bottle, landing on Blanche.*

U-101: Truth or dare?

Blanche: Truth!

U-1206: What’s the most disgusting thing you have ever put in your mouth?

Blanche: Let me tell you a story from when I was 12…

Blanche: So when I was a kid, I was snooping around my parents’ closet. I noticed a little gray bean on the ground and squatted down to pick it up.

Blanche: It was opaque and squishy like a gel capsule, with a few spots on it.

U-81: So what did you do with it?

Blanche: I couldn’t figure out what it was, so I tried to break it open with my fingers to see what was inside. No luck.

Blanche: Being the dumb little sh*t I was, I decided to bite off the top to squeeze the inside out.

I-19: I don’t like where this is going…

Blanche: I put the top bit in between my canines and bit down. It popped violently and sprayed some dark red liquid into my mouth.

U-1206: S-so…what was the thing that you put in your mouth?

Blanche: It was a tick. The dots on the side were its legs. And it was full of something’s blood.

Blanche: *Gags*

U-101: *Very girlishly* EWWWW!

U-73: *Throws up in a nearby trash can*

U-81: What the f*ck?!

U-47: That’s gross!

Albacore: Why would you do that?!

Blanche: *Covering her face* I was 12, okay!

|----------|

U-37: What’s the worst song to play at a funeral?

Blanche: They played “I did it my way” at my great-aunt’s funeral.

U-37: What’s so bad about that?

Blanche: She killed herself…

Blanche: I think you can see what’s wrong there.

U-37: *Looks down*

U-37: Oh, I’m sorry commander…

Blanche: Ah, don’t worry about it!

Blanche: I wasn’t even born yet at the time.

Chapter 12: When the shipgirl is sus

Chapter Text

The Submarine Pen

BlancheTheFunny: So…

BlancheTheFunny: Have you ever heard of the hit game

BlancheTheFunny: Among Us?

CrackScientist: Blanche I’m kicking you from the chat

CrackScientist: No Among Us allowed

BlancheTheFunny: No you can’t

CrackScientist: Yes I can because you made me co-owner

BlancheTheFunny: Okay wait don’t kick me pls

BlancheTheFunny: I just wanted to play it because the Destiny 2 servers are full and I thought you guys might wanna play it as well

Boneshark: Wait the D2 servers are full?

BlancheTheFunny: Yea

BlancheTheFunny: Happens the day a new expansion comes out

BlancheTheFunny: It happened with Beyond Light and now it’s happening again with The Witch Queen…

Boneshark: Anyway to answer your question

Boneshark: Yes ofc we’ve heard of amongus all the Mutsuki class girls play it

BlancheTheFunny: Wanna play it?

BlancheTheFunny: Like right now?

BlancheTheFunny: It’s the end of the day so there’s basically no work left

Catshark: I’m in

CrackScientist: Can’t wait to murder the commander for making too many amogus memes

SharkieBoo: I’ll play

SharkieBoo: Iroha better not kill me!

Iroha: Don’t worry, I won't :3

AlwaysHorni: I mean sure

RedNeko: I’ll join too!

JustCav: I’m just playing for the memes

BustyShark: I guess I’ll join…

Boneshark: As a gamer, it is my obligation to join

EpicGamer96: You’re not the only one!

BlancheTheFunny: Anyone else?

Tuna: Not joining sorry

Tuna: I had a fight with Bluegill

Tuna: Might watch you play to make myself feel better

BlancheTheFunny: Aww poor thing…

BlancheTheFunny: Want me to screen-share with you?

Tuna: Yeah, that’ll be fine

BlancheTheFunny: Archie, you joining us?

Archerfish: Nope, I’m a bit burned out today

Archerfish: Sorry bout that

BlancheTheFunny: Oof

BlancheTheFunny: Get some rest okay?

SeaBunny: I-25 and I won’t be joining

BlancheTheFunny: How come?

BlancheTheFunny: I thought you two loved playing games

SeaBunny: I-25 got mad at Warzone and smashed her keyboard in a fit of rage

SeaBunny: As for me, I’m out shopping with I-13 rn

SeaBunny: I’ll be back in about an hour or two

BlancheTheFunny: Have fun!

BlancheTheFunny: Also tell I-25 that she has a skill issue

BlancheTheFunny: I guess that’s everyone.

BlancheTheFunny: Join the server pick a color and join vc

BlancheTheFunny: Code is GAESEX

BlancheTheFunny: Of all the codes, it had to be that one…

Game details

Commander Blanche: Red Sus over paradise (Red)

U-73: Among us sex mod (Cyan)

U-101: Space Sharkie (White)

U-81: Sussy Baka (Pink)

I-168: Iroha (Orange)

U-37: Horny police (Blue)

I-19: Junko Enoshima (Coral)

Cavalla: Meme Dealer (Yellow)

U-47: Big booba goth shipgirl (Purple)

U-1206: Rick Astley (Brown)

U-96: Flex Tape (Black)

Imposters: U-73 (Killer), Commander Blanche (Saboteur/U-73’s alabi)

Deaths so far: I-19 (Unnoticed), Iroha (Reported by Blanche)

VC

Blanche: Okay we have 2 dead…

Blanche: I found Iroha’s body.

U-101: Where?!

Blanche: In Electrical.

Blanche: I-19 hasn’t been found yet.

*Blanche actually walked past the body without saying anything*

U-37: How the f*ck are we supposed to see?

U-37: Someone sabotaged the lights!

U-73: I DON’T KNOW, ASK U-81!

U-73: SHE WAS IN ELECTRICAL WITH LIKE THREE OTHER PEOPLE!!!!

U-73: ARE YOU f*ckING BLIND OR SOMETHING?!?!

Blanche: U-73 please stop screaming, my ears hurt a little.

U-101: It’s probably U-81

U-101: You’ve been real quiet this whole time

U-101: Besides I think I saw you vent

U-81: f*ck YOU!

U-81: YOU’RE ONLY BLAMING ME BECAUSE IROHA DIED

Blanche: Yeah, actually U-81 has been acting pretty sus

U-73: I’m voting for her

Blanche: Alright hang on, I gotta take a phone call

Blanche: I’ll be back in a bit

*After voting*

<Sussy Baka was not the imposter>

<2 Imposters remain>

U-73: Wait what?

U-73: It wasn’t her?

U-81: Of course it wasn’t you f*cking c*nts!

U-81: f*ck all of you!

U-81: I hope you get r**ed!

U-81: Especially you U-101!

U-81: You f*cking whor*

U-81: Go kill yourself

U-101: F-fine then…

U-101: Just know that this is all your fault, you bitch…

*U-101 has disconnected*

U-73: Yikes…

U-37: U-81, usually I’d joke along with you

U-37: But this time you really crossed the line…

U-47: You should feel ashamed of yourself!

U-47: U-101 could die because of you!

U-81: So what?

U-81: I think she’s doing us a favor

U-73:Woah!

U-73:That's way too far!

U-47: HOW DARE YOU?!

U-47: SHE’S OUR FRIEND!

U-47: IF YOU’RE GOING TO BE LIKE THIS THEN GET OUT!

*U-47’s rage then turns into tears*

U-47, sobbing: J-just get out!

U-81: Whatever you say bitch

*U-81 has disconnected*

*Blanche returns from her call*

Blanche: Alright, I’m back!

Blanche: Why are U-101 and U-81 gone, and why is U-47 crying?

Blanche: What the f*ck happened while I was gone?!

U-73: Well…

*After U-73’s explanation*

Blanche: Damn, when someone said that Among Us ruined friendships I didn’t think they meant it…

Blanche: I’ll make sure that U-81 gets a good spanking from Hipper

Blanche: As for the game, let’s call it off

Blanche: I think we’ve had enough drama for today…

U-73: Yeah…

*Everyone disconnects*

Chapter 13: Making Amends

Chapter Text

Damage control

<Commander Blanche has created ‘Damage control’>

<Commander Blanche added U-73 and U-47>

<Commander Blanche changed their name to ‘Blanche’>

Blanche: …

Blanche: How do I even start?

U-47: I’m not in trouble, am I?

Blanche: No, it’s just…

Blanche: Last night was a complete disaster

Blanche: Both you and U-101 had an emotional breakdown, and I’m going to assume you’re no longer friends with U-81

Blanche: What do I do now?

U-73: Maybe start by removing U-81’s chat privileges?

U-73: She shouldn’t get away with this scott-free

Blanche: Telling from her screams coming from Hipper’s room, I think she’s learnt her lesson…

Blanche: But that still leaves U-101

Blanche: I’m worried about her

Blanche: I know that you two take good care of her, and I appreciate that, but it still hurts me to see her like that…

U-47: I think I can talk some sense into U-81

Blanche: Are you sure?

Blanche: I don’t want a repeat of last night

U-47: I’m not sure, but it’s worth a shot…

Blanche: If you say so

Blanche: Tell me how it goes, k?

U-73: What about my sister?

U-73: And what do I do?

Blanche: I’ll talk to U-101 myself

Blanche: You should try and do damage control in the main chat

U-73: Can’t believe this happened because of f*cking Among Us

Blanche: People say it breaks friendships for a reason, huh?

Direct Message: Commander Blanche←→U-101

Blanche: Hey, U-101?

Blanche: You doing alright?

U-101: …

Blanche: Sorry about what happened last night

Blanche: I didn’t think that it would get that out of hand…

Blanche: You’re not mad at me for that, right?

U-101: No

Blanche: I’m gonna try and get you and U-81 to reconcile

Blanche: It’s not good to work alongside someone you fell out with

Blanche: Is that okay?

U-101: …

Blanche: Still upset, huh?

Blanche: I know how it feels

U-101: Just leave me be

Blanche: Alright

Blanche: I’ll give you some alone time

Blanche: When you’re ready you can message me, okay?

Direct message: U-47←→U-81

U-47: Hey

U-47: You know what you did was wrong

U-47: You should apologize to U-101 for what happened

U-81: Leave me alone

U-47: No

U-47: You’re gonna have to face her eventually

U-47: You can’t run from the consequences of your actions forever

U-81: She provoked me into saying that

U-47: It was part of the game

U-47: If you’re going to get angry, at least control yourself or let it out on something like a pillow

U-47: Don’t hurt others with your words

U-81: I still don’t wanna apologize to her

U-81: What if she doesn’t forgive me?

U-81: Then what?!

U-47: I’ve lived with U-101 for years

U-47: She’s not the kind to hold a grudge

U-81: Fine, I’ll apologize to her

U-81: But if she doesn’t accept it, then you’re gonna get it from me

U-47: If she doesn’t forgive you, then I’ll let you hit me as many times as you want

The Submarine Pen

CrackScientist: Alright…

CrackScientist: What do you wanna talk about?

Iroha: I don’t know…

Iroha: Where’s I-26 anyway

SeaBunny: I’m coming hoe

SeaBunny: home *Not Delivered*

SeaBunny: Home! *Not Delivered*

SeaBunny: HOME *Not Delivered*

SeaBunny: f*cking piece of sh*t

Iroha: …

CrackScientist: You will die in 0:05 seconds

SeaBunny: I SAID I’M COMING HOE MYLEE

SeaBunny: HOE MYLEE

SeaBunny: I’M COMUNIDAD HOE

SeaBunny: I’M COMING

SeaBunny: H O M E

SeaBunny: ffs

Archerfish: Autocorrect moment

CrackScientist: I wanna play a game with you guys

CrackScientist: I found it on Reddit

CrackScientist: So basically, type “Suck my“ and let autocorrect complete the sentence

CrackScientist: Show me what you got

SeaBunny: Suck my sweet baby

SeaBunny: Does autocorrect just hate me or smth

CrackScientist: I think it’s just being a dick lol

Archerfish: suck my first time and then my first two eggs hatch into white and the other way around but i dont have a single day and the last letter are you so dumb and dumber to the one trillionth power of a doggie

Iroha: What

Archerfish: I have no idea either

Archerfish: I think my autocorrect is high

AlwaysHorni: suck my pants lol i i love you bye mommy love you mommy mommy love you bye love you bye bye love mommy mommy love you bye love you bye bye love love miss you mommy bye mommy love miss miss

AlwaysHorni: I don’t wanna play anymore…

CrackScientist: Yeah let’s stop before it gets too weird

Direct message: Commander Blanche←→U-101

U-101: Hey, commander?

U-101: I think I’m ready to talk now…

Blanche: That’s nice

Blanche: I’m trying out voice-to-text right now

Blanche: I think it’s working alright my god there’s a spider on me oh my god oh my god oh f*ck oh sh*t oh sh*t oh sh*t oh sh*t oh sh*t

U-101: …

U-101: Is everything alright commander?

Blanche: Yeah, it’s dead now

Blanche: I’m never using voice-to-text again

U-101: That made me chuckle a little

U-101: I kinda needed that

Blanche: Glad to help cheer you up!

Blanche: Anyway, I wanted to talk to you about U-81

U-101: Oh…

U-101: What about her?

Blanche: I know you’re not the kind of person to hold a grudge, but I wanna ask you this:

Blanche: Are you ready to forgive U-81 for what she said to you?

U-101: Of course!

U-101: Even if she kills someone I love, I’ll still forgive her…

Blanche: Awww, you’re too sweet for this world…

Blanche: I think U-81 is ready to talk to you now, I’ll let you two handle it from here

Direct message: U-101←→U-81

U-81: Hey

U-101: Yea?

U-81: About last night

U-81: I know I said something really wrong, and I wanted to apologize to you for it

U-81: I don’t expect you to forgive me, but just know that I’m truly sorry…

U-101: I hate to break it to you, but what you did was unforgivable

U-81: …

U-101: jkjk

U-101: Of course I forgive you!

U-81: Really?

U-101: Of course!

U-101: It’s important to let go of the past and move on with the present

U-101: But I want you to promise me one thing…

U-81: What is it?

U-101: Promise me that you won’t beat yourself up over what you did.

U-101: I’ve already forgiven you, now the only person who needs to forgive you is yourself.

U-81: How can I be sure you forgive me?

U-101: If you want, you can come over to my room and we can share a hug

U-81: Promise you won’t hurt me?

U-101: Promise!

Damage control

Blanche: I haven’t heard from U-81 or U-101 for a while now

Blanche: Do you think they’re alright?

U-73: I’ll go check on them real quick

Blanche: I was kind of concerned that it might go horribly wrong and I might have to break up another fight, but seeing as there’s no loud noises or screaming, I’m guessing it went decent at least.

U-73: *Sends a photo of U-101 and U-81 snuggled up on the sofa, covered by a blanket. The both of them still have tear marks on their cheeks, showing that they had been crying moments prior.*

U-73: Awww, they’re sleeping together!

Blanche: So cute!

Blanche: eeeeeeeeeeeee~ ^w^ <3

U-47: Despite the fact that they were clearly crying prior to this, this is incredibly adorable.

U-47: I’m saving this for whenever I feel upset about something.

The Submarine Pen

SharkieBoo: Well, I have good news!

SharkieBoo: U-81 and I are friends again!

AlwaysHorni: :poggers:

SharkieBoo: What the f*ck happened while I was gone?!

SeaBunny: TL;DR autocorrect hates my ass

Catshark: Yeah, I think that’s close enough of a summary…

Chapter 14: sh*tty Life Pro Tips

Chapter Text

The Submarine Pen

BlancheTheFunny: Woo that was fun!

CrackScientist: Hey commander

CrackScientist: What’cha up to

BlancheTheFunny: Just came back from my morning run

BlancheTheFunny: I’m gonna take a shower first then I have an idea for us to do

*5 minutes later*

BlancheTheFunny: Alright I’m back

BlancheTheFunny: Anyway, have you girls ever heard of any “pro-tips” or lifehacks?

RedNeko: Yeah we have

BlancheTheFunny: Allow me to introduce you to sh*tty Life Pro Tips!

BlancheTheFunny: They’re like actual pro-tips but completely impractical or useless

RedNeko: I’ve just googled for “sh*tty life pro tips” and I found one

SharkieBoo: What is it?

RedNeko: You can discreetly cover up your poop sounds when going to the toilet by continually shrieking at the top of your lungs

CrackScientist: That sounds like something I would do

BlancheTheFunny: Oo here’s another good one

BlancheTheFunny: When someone offers you some chips, sneeze into the bag and they’ll just let you have them all.

OtherSeaBunny: I think that’s just called being an asshole

AlwaysHorni: When reheating pizza, boil it to get that crispy crust

BlancheTheFunny: You’re lucky we don’t have any Sardengan shipgirls here…

CrackScientist: If a public restroom door is locked, don’t forget to violently and repeatedly try to open it and give the person on the other side paralyzing anxiety

BlancheTheFunny: For bonus points, throw yourself against the door to make it look like you’re trying to break down the door.

SeaBunny: Poke someone in the mouth or crotch when they’re yawning to establish dominance

SeaBunny: AOOFUGWUSKSXKWUWDFYTXEIDSK

BlancheTheFunny: What happened?!

SeaBunny: I YAWNED AND I-25 SHOVED HER FINGER STRAIGHT INTO MY puss*

SeaBunny: LIKE SHE PULLED MY SWIMSUIT ASIDE AND SHOVED IT RIGHT IN THERE

AlwaysHorni: Did it feel good though ;)

SeaBunny: NO IT f*ckING HURTS

SeaBunny: I ACTUALLY WANT TO CRY

BlancheTheFunny: Let’s just move on…

Iroha: Want to get back on your feet?

Iroha: Simple, miss two car payments!

RedNeko: I mean, yeah…

BlancheTheFunny: Did someone say something uncomfortably heavy?

BlancheTheFunny: Not sure how to respond?

BlancheTheFunny: Looking for a simple combination of letters to express your concern while not having to put the effort into an actual response?

BlancheTheFunny: Try saying “oof”!

CrackScientist: oof

RedNeko: oof

Parsival: Oh, I thought of one!

Parsival: Moan louder whenever the cashier scans one of your items!

Catshark: Why would you do that?

ImReading: Breaking your writing hand will get you extra time on your finals

EpicGamer96: Life hack: Break your f*cking arm

Wallflower: The hole in the middle of the bagel is meant to help you cut the bagel properly

BlancheTheFunny: Only works 20 times though

CrackScientist: For guys, it works 21 times!

BlancheTheFunny: …

BlancheTheFunny: OH

Tuna: I cringed when I read that and I’m not even a guy

JustCav: Apply garlic to a freshly opened cut or burn to immediately intensify the pain

OtherSeaBunny: @Garlic can you do something for me?

OtherSeaBunny: Stick your finger up I-26’s c*nt

SeaBunny: DO NOT DO THAT I SWEAR TO GOD

SeaBunny: IT STILL HURTS FROM WHEN YOU JAMMED YOUR FINGER IN THERE

Garlic: No

Garlic: And U-110 is a shark, not garlic.

Boneshark: Go up to someone in a restaurant and tell them to close their eyes and picture a playing card. While they are doing this, eat as much of their food as you can and run away.

BlancheTheFunny: Thanks, I’m gonna try this the next time I go to a cafe with my friends!

Catshark: The Apple store is giving out free airpods if you go in with a gun and a mask

CrackScientist: I’m slightly concerned about how you learned this…

ImReading: You should always start an essay with “So I’m sitting there, barbeque sauce on my titt*es…”

Tuna: Thanks for the advice, I have to turn in an essay tomorrow as part of Nimi-sensei’s assignment

BlancheTheFunny: Send it to me as well, I also want to see the result

BlancheTheFunny: Any other SLPTs?

CrackScientist: Ice cream won’t scoop? Try microwaving the spoon beforehand!

Archerfish: I wanted to eat ice cream before this, thanks for the advice!

JustCav: Shoot yourself with small-caliber bullets to build up immunity to larger caliber rounds

Parsival: I don’t think it works that way…

RedNeko: Ayo who set off the fire alarm?

Archerfish: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Archerfish: HELP ME I MICROWAVED THE SPOON LIKE U-73 TOLD ME TO AND IT CAUGHT FIRE AND I DON’T HAVE A FIRE EXTINGUISHER HELP ME PLS PLS PLS PLS PLS PLS

BlancheTheFunny: This is the exact reason why U-73 was banned from the kitchen…

BlancheTheFunny: I’m coming over with the extinguisher, just don’t go anywhere!

BlancheTheFunny: Cover the fire with a wet cloth for the time being!

CrackScientist: Wow, I didn’t expect her to actually take my sh*tty advice…

CrackScientist: So, what have we learnt today girls?

SharkieBoo: Don’t put spoons in the microwave

Iroha: Don’t believe all the sh*t you read on the internet

Catshark: Some people are incapable of distinguishing between a joke and actual advice

SeaBunny: f*ck I-25!!!

CrackScientist: Very valuable lessons indeed

Chapter 15: Ain't the sharpest tool in the shed

Chapter Text

The Submarine Pen

BlancheTheFunny: Hey what’s the dumbest thing you ever did?

CrackScientist: This happened yesterday

CrackScientist: Blanche and I tried to cook chicken wings by frying them in a pan with oil and Tabasco sauce

CrackScientist: The heat caused the Tabasco to vaporize and go into the air and I basically pepper sprayed the entire kitchen

BlancheTheFunny: The two of us spent the next 2 hours crying because my eyes stung so much.

BlancheTheFunny: It hurt but the chicken wings were worth it!

Tuna: I thought U-73 was banned from the kitchen?

BlancheTheFunny: I decided to unban her and prayed that her cooking got better

BlancheTheFunny: Thankfully my prayers were (kind of) answered

CrackScientist: I learned that recipe from the internet

CrackScientist: I didn’t think to put in the hot sauce AFTER cooking the chicken in the pan

Parsival: You’re our naval base’s resident scientist

Parsival: And yet you didn’t think that hot sauce would boil in a hot pan?????

CrackScientist: No thoughts, head empty

RedNeko: Wanna know what dumb thing I did?

RedNeko: You know how we have monthly classes taught by Z23 and Phys-ed taught by Minneapolis?

BlancheTheFunny: Oh I know where this is going…

RedNeko: Well, during one of our free periods me, I-26, I-25, I-13, I-56 and Iroha wanted to play dodgeball

RedNeko: We didn’t have any dodgeballs lying around so we decided to use a few basketballs.

RedNeko: Yeah, Iroha got sent to the infirmary and we called off the game…

Iroha: The basketball thing was my idea

Iroha: Let me tell you that, while getting hit in the abdomen with a basketball doesn’t hurt much, but it makes you realize how dumb of an idea it is.

BlancheTheFunny: Reminds me of when I used to play dodgeball back in elementary school

BlancheTheFunny: It was Boys VS Girls, and I was basically carrying my team because I was more of a tomboy and better at sports than the rest of the girls.

BlancheTheFunny: Anyway, I caught a ball in my hand and decided to “return to sender”, so I threw this AMAZING curveball that nailed the poor kid right in the nuts making him double over.

BlancheTheFunny: I’m still proud of that moment, and in the words of a certain senator…

BlancheTheFunny: “Could’ve gone pro if I hadn’t joined the Navy.”

AlwaysHorni: Wanna know something dumb I did once?

AlwaysHorni: Remember the Lunar New Year festival? Well I decided to light a whole packet of sparklers while still holding them…

BlancheTheFunny: Here’s the dumbest thing I personally did.

BlancheTheFunny: When U-73 and I were in Canada, I had a pack of firecrackers in the house leftover from New Year’s day.

BlancheTheFunny: Me, U-73 and my dad all thought it would be interesting to see one explode in water, since they had chemical fuses. One night, my dad lit it and dropped the firecracker into a glass jar before we all hid in the garage.

BlancheTheFunny: A second afterwards, I asked “What if it breaks the glass?” and we all looked at each other in horror.

BlancheTheFunny: Long story short, there were glass splinters and fragments all over the driveway, and the three of us got scolded by my mom because the glass breaking woke her up.

BlancheTheFunny: Somehow, three people couldn’t put together that this was a dumb idea.

SeaBunny: I’ve got my own story to tell!

SeaBunny: One day U-73 decided to take her ship out for a joyride and invited me to go along.

SeaBunny: While we were at the pier, she asked me to hold the mooring line for her ship whilst she went to fetch something.

SeaBunny: After waiting for 10 minutes, I decided to wrap the rope around my leg because I was bored of holding it.

SeaBunny: Turns out it’s a lot harder to hold a submarine in place with your leg than with your arms, and I ended up falling into the water.

SeaBunny: We didn’t go out that day…

CrackScientist: Dumbass

JustCav: Oh, I just remembered something that U-101 did!

JustCav: Remember when you took us to the beach 2 months ago, commander?

BlancheTheFunny: Yeah

JustCav: Well, U-101 and I were swimming in the ocean and we caught a jellyfish

JustCav: U-101 decided to up the thing in her bikini bottoms since she thought it was a species that didn’t sting

JustCav: She was wrong…

SharkieBoo: I still remember the pain

SharkieBoo: Also please don’t tell anyone else!

SharkieBoo: It’s embarrassing! (⁄ ⁄>⁄w⁄<⁄ ⁄)

BlancheTheFunny: If it makes you feel any better, when we went to the beach last month I did the exact same f*cking thing with the exact same results.

CrackScientist: I’m starting to think that this entire naval base shares a single brain cell and half the time it’s with U-556

Chapter 16: More funny interactions

Chapter Text

Direct Message: Commander Blanche←→Andrew from doordash

Andrew: Hello this is Andrew from doordash

Andrew: Pick a number from 1-10

Blanche: 5

Andrew: Wrong

Andrew: No food for you

Blanche: What

Blanche: why

Blanche: Andrew pls

|------------------------------------------|

<Albacore was hanging out with I-26, when she suddenly remembered something the latter said on her first day in the chat…>

“I’m I-26 and I cry whenever someone pulls on my ears.”

Albacore: *Thinking to herself* Wonder if that’s true?

Albacore: Well, only one way to find out!

<Albacore waits until I-26’s back is turned, before giving her pair of bunny ears a quick yank.>

I-26: AAHHHH!

I-26: *Starts crying*

Albacore: Huh, guess she really wasn’t lying…

<I-26 then turns and notices Albacore, realizing that the Eagle Union girl pulled her ears.>

I-26: ALBACORE YOU MEANIE!

I-26: *Runs off sobbing*

Albacore: …

|------------------------------------------|

The Submarine Pen

BlancheTheFunny: *Posts an image of a bug on her wall*

BlancheTheFunny: What is this?

Tuna: Insect

BlancheTheFunny: What kind?

CrackScientist: A green one

BlancheTheFunny: Yeah but what is it called?

CrackScientist: Harold

BlancheTheFunny: Tell Harold that if he’s gonna stay here he owes me rent

CrackScientist: :C

BlancheTheFunny: :>

|------------------------------------------|

How most shipgirls tell Blanche to quieten down at night:

Blanche: *Screaming in voice chat*

Blanche: GET IN THE f*ckING MONGOOSE!

Atago: *Knocks on Blanche’s door*

Atago: Commander, can you tone it down a little please?

Atago: It’s a bit late at night for that…

Blanche: Sorry, I’ll stop screaming.

Atago: Thanks

Atago: *Yawns and goes back to her room*

How U-73 tells Blanche to quieten down at night:

Blanche: *Screaming in voice chat*

Blanche: GET IN THE f*ckING MONGOOSE

U-73: *Banging on Blanche’s door*

U-73: STOP YELLING OR I’LL THROW YOUR COMPUTER OUT THE f*ckING WINDOW!!!

Blanche: *Awkward silence*

Blanche: Uhhhh…

Blanche: Sorry?

U-73: *Grumbles and goes back to bed*

|------------------------------------------|

Barbecue night (Girls)

*Admiral Maria has created the group “Barbecue night (Girls)”

Admiral Maria: BBQ tomorrow at my place, who’s in!

Commander Blanche: Me! Can’t wait for a fat steak and some spare ribs!

Admiral Maria: Great! Any vegans here?

Commander Sarah: Yeah, me! Glad you asked :)

*Commander Sarah has been removed from the group*

|------------------------------------------|

BlancheTheFunny: Have any of you girls heard of the I-Ladies?

Tuna: No we haven’t

Tuna: Who are they?

BlancheTheFunny: I-Ladies nuts on your face

BlancheTheFunny: lmao gottem

*CrackScientist has kicked BlancheTheFunny from the group*

CrackScientist: I’ll let her back in after a few minutes

Chapter 17: Lesbian shenanigans and pest control

Chapter Text

The Submarine Pen

Parsival: Commander, can you stop sending me pictures of Danny Devito?

CrackScientist: FHDGSGDGS

BlancheTheFunny: BUT DANNY DEVITO IS KING

BlancheTheFunny: I BOW IN THE PRESENCE OF DANNY DEVITO

Iroha: I-

BlancheTheFunny: I’m bored

EpicGamer96: no one cares

BlancheTheFunny: :C

BlancheTheFunny: #abuse

EpicGamer96: stfu commander

BlancheTheFunny: :C

BlancheTheFunny: U-73 I’m lonely

CrackScientist: Ok I’m coming over

CrackScientist: So we can cuddle and watch Gawr Gura

Iroha: OWCNOWUHIQXIFUGWDSUX

BustyShark: You two are honestly so cute together

RedNeko: Speaking of gawr gura

RedNeko: Should U-37 become a vtuber

AlwaysHorni: huh

RedNeko: You should become a vtuber

RedNeko: You got the looks

Iroha: Holy sh*t I realized she looks just like gura

BustyShark: I want to ask something

BustyShark: Commander, when did you realize you were lesbian?

BlancheTheFunny: Well, it was actually during naval academy

BlancheTheFunny: I felt that I should try and get a boyfriend during that time, but every relationship I tried didn’t work

BlancheTheFunny: After that I realized maybe I wasn’t attracted to guys

BlancheTheFunny: I was scared that my parents wouldn’t accept me because my grandparents and extended family are all very conservative, but surprisingly they supported me

BustyShark: I see

BustyShark: I guess it would be good for you to know that we all support you

BlancheTheFunny: Aww, thanks girls

BlancheTheFunny: BTW where are I-26, U-101 and the others?

SharkieBoo: Oh, hi commander!

SharkieBoo: We went for a girl’s day out but I had to leave early because I promised Iroha that I’d watch a movie with her tonight

SharkieBoo: As for the others, I don’t know what they’re up to right now…

Iroha: I think I see them walking in the garden by the Sakura dorms

Iroha: Wait nvm they’re screaming and running while flailing their arms about

SeaBunny: HELPP

SeaBunny: WSPA

RedNeko: wut

Iroha: they’re all coming in crying their eyes out

Iroha: wtf

BlancheTheFunny: What happened?!

Iroha: I’ll go ask them

Iroha: Ok I’m back turns out albacore decided it would be smart to throw a rock at a wasp nest

CrackScientist: but why

CrackScientist: why would you do that

BlancheTheFunny: in the meantime I’ll go deal with the wasp nest

BlancheTheFunny: time to break out my good ol Nata

CrackScientist: What’s a Nata

BlancheTheFunny: it’s like a japanese cleaver-machete hybrid

Iroha: Are you sure about this?

BlancheTheFunny: Of course!

BlancheTheFunny: Besides, how hard can it be to cut down a yellowjacket nest with a japanese machete?

SharkieBoo: I’m gonna watch this from my window

CrackScientist: I’m watching her right now

CrackScientist: Oh looks like she hit the nest

CrackScientist: she split the nest in two

CrackScientist: Ok nvm the wasps got to her

CrackScientist: Yeah she’s coming back inside

BlancheTheFunny: Yeah that did not work

BlancheTheFunny: I think I just pissed off the wasps even more…

CrackScientist: wow your arms and legs got f*cked

BlancheTheFunny: Turns out that wearing a long-sleeved hoodie and a pair of slacks does nothing to protect against wasps

BlancheTheFunny: I’m gonna go see Vestal

BlancheTheFunny: I’ll think of something to get rid of the nest by tomorrow

|—The Next Day—|

The Submarine Pen

BlancheTheFunny: Is the wasp nest still there?

Albacore: Yeah, sadly...

Albacore: I’m not stepping outside until you get rid of it

BlancheTheFunny: Any ideas?

CrackScientist: I have one!

CrackScientist: *Sends picture*

BlancheTheFunny: uhhhh

BlancheTheFunny: Care to explain it?

CrackScientist: So basically, the barbecue lighter on the side ignites a fuse which will burn until it reaches the center where it will cause the chemical compound to undergo an explosive reaction which will hopefully cause the spontaneous combustion of the wasp nest!

Iroha: That…that’s a pipe bomb

Iroha: Why do you have a f*cking pipe bomb in your science cabinet?!

CrackScientist: idk I made it during Nimi’s science class and she didn’t give a f*ck

BlancheTheFunny: No we’re not using the pipe bomb on the wasp nest

RedNeko: I love how you call it 'THE Pipe Bomb' instead of a pipe bomb like it's the only pipe bomb in existence

SharkieBoo:The Sacred Pipe Bomb, Destroyer of Yellowjackets

BlancheTheFunny:I think Akashi may have something

BlancheTheFunny:brb gonna check

BustyShark: wonder what it’s gonna be

CrackScientist: Betting that it’s a flamethrower

Iroha: Why would Akashi have a flamethrower lying around?

BlancheTheFunny: Alright good news

BlancheTheFunny: Akashi had a flamethrower in storage that I ordered on amazon about a month ago

BlancheTheFunny: Meant to get it for burning weeds but Hanazuki and Atago wouldn’t approve

BlancheTheFunny: Time to put it to good use now…

CrackScientist: I’m putting on the doom music right now

BlancheTheFunny: Alright here goes!

CrackScientist: YOOOO THAT’S SICK

CrackScientist: SHE’S JUST BURNING THE WASP NEST

CrackScientist: I’M ACTUALLY ENJOYING THIS

Iroha: I can hear both the commander and U-73 laughing like maniacs and I find it perfectly normal for some reason

CrackScientist: THE NEST FELL ON THE GROUND AND SHE’S STILL ROASTING IT

CrackScientist: Ok I think she’s done

BlancheTheFunny: Ladies and gentlemen

BlancheTheFunny: We gottem

CrackScientist: WOOOOOOOOOOOO

Iroha: YES

Albacore: TAKE THAT ASSHOLES

SeaBunny: HAHAHAHAHA EAT sh*t YELLOW c*ntS WITH WINGS

BlancheTheFunny: I truly believe that humanity can be united solely based on the fact that we hate wasps

CrackScientist: f*ck wasps

Chapter 18: Half-eaten bag of Doritos for $2

Chapter Text

The Submarine Pen

BlancheTheFunny: I have discovered something wonderful

BlancheTheFunny: Have you ever heard of the subreddit r/CrackheadCraigslist

CrackScientist: Isn’t that the sub where I found someone selling a ‘STOP’ sign for $178?

BlancheTheFunny: Exactly!

BlancheTheFunny: I’ll give you a bit of time to go check it out

RedNeko: The first post I see on the sub is someone selling “These hands”

RedNeko: I think this guy just wants someone to brawl with.

Parsival: “Small red wine stain but in good condition. Must sell quickly, leaving the country tmr. $180 OBO.”

Parsival: I have a feeling that’s not red wine but rather something else…

BlancheTheFunny: The fact that they say they’re leaving the country makes it even more suspicious

SeaBunny: I found a post of someone selling an ashtray for $6

SeaBunny: $6

SeaBunny: For a f*ckING ASHTRAY

CrackScientist: To a smoker that’d be considered a bargain

Archerfish: I saw a post of someone selling their f*ckING TOOTH for $89

BlancheTheFunny: That ain’t even funny anymore that’s just disgusting

Iroha: “Portable sh*tter. No longer required, good condition, hook up and go. Toilet paper not included.”

Iroha: I actually went on the FB marketplace to look for stuff like this and I found someone who’s just selling a porta-potty for $1000..

Iroha: On god

AlwaysHorni: Feel kinda bad for the construction workers who got their sh*t literally taken from them…

BlancheTheFunny: FGSFSDDHFHFGSGJ

BlancheTheFunny: idk why but it’s funnier to me than it should be

SharkieBoo: “$20 Car/scatebored. Goes hard never seen one like it..”

Garlic: U-101 it’s ‘skateboard’

SharkieBoo: No they actually spelt it like that

SharkieBoo: I’m not illiterate…

Iroha: Found someone selling “hundreds of remote controls” for $2 each…

Iroha: How does someone even get that many remotes in the first place?

Tuna: “Used razor blades $20”

Tuna: “There gotta be more than 1000 blades here. Gallon bag in pic.”

Archerfish: I feel like that’s illegal since it could be classified as a weapon

JustCav: Might buy them to commit barcode wrist haha

Archerfish: what

JustCav: what

Archerfish: …

Archerfish: ಠ_ಠ

CrackScientist: “Rare peanut $69”

CrackScientist: It’s literally a peanut shaped like a co*ck and balls

BlancheTheFunny: Nice

Catshark: I found this

Catshark: “Homemade organic burrito. Nice and fresh, started eating and the chicken was pink. Thought someone else might like it.”

BlancheTheFunny: Mmmmmm love me that salmonella flavor

Boneshark: Someone is selling a “Minion coffin” for free

Boneshark: “Kid-sized. My son grew out of it.”

BustyShark: Wait, what the hell do they mean “my son grew out of it”

Boneshark: No idea

Boneshark: It sounds sus though

EpicGamer96: “One stray meatball. Minimal hairs, made with Christ-like love and spite for my present form.”

EpicGamer96: WTF do they mean minimal hairs?!

ImReading: "Minimal hairs" doesn’t mean “no hair”

Iroha: Someone is selling “twin loft beds made completely of pvc pipe”. Mattress not included.

BlancheTheFunny: Okay there is no way in hell I’m buying that

BlancheTheFunny: I’ll constantly have the fear of that thing collapsing in my sleep

CrackScientist: “Gelatin Casserole $500”

CrackScientist: Not even I could make food as bad as that…thing

BlancheTheFunny: You know, the Facebook marketplace is a truly great source of entertainment if you look in the right places

CrackScientist: Agreed

CrackScientist: The fact that there’s no context makes them even more hilarious

Chapter 19: Funny.jpg

Chapter Text

The Submarine Pen

BlancheTheFunny: I was in the city today and I went to my favorite cafe to pick up a drink

BlancheTheFunny: When I got there I saw a piece of paper taped onto the front door saying “Close because someone sh*t on the floor” complete with an angry face

BlancheTheFunny: fr

CrackScientist: what do you want us to do with this information

BlancheTheFunny: idk

|====================|

Iroha: Alright whoever decided that mixing mayonnaise and oreos was a good idea I’m sending you to god

BlancheTheFunny: What are you talking about?

Iroha: *Sends picture of a bottle of Heinz “Mayoreo” sauce*

Iroha: I found this thing at Target

BlancheTheFunny: bro wtf

EpicGamer96: This isn’t even a bruh moment anymore wtf is actually wrong with the person who made that

|====================|

SharkieBoo: I just found this news article

SharkieBoo: “A ninja with a sword assailed a U.S. army special operations unit in California”

Iroha: Oh I read that one!

Iroha: The line that gets me is “Projectile rounds were used but were ineffective”

Iroha: This implies that MY MAN DEFLECTED THE BULLETS

RedNeko: Do you know what this reminds me of?

CrackScientist: No…

RedNeko: “Show me a good time, Jack!”

BlancheTheFunny: THERE WILL BE BLOOD-SHED

CrackScientist: THE MAN IN THE MIRROR NODS HIS HEAD

EpicGamer96: THE ONLY ONE LEFT

AlwaysHorni: WILL RIDE UPON THE DRAGON’S BACK

BlancheTheFunny: BECAUSE THE MOUNTAINS DON’T GIVE BACK WHAT THEY TAKE

SeaBunny: OH NO THERE WILL BE BLOOD-SHED

CrackScientist: IT’S THE ONLY THING I’VE EVER KNOWN

|====================|

BlancheTheFunny: Help how do I explain to Mikasa what a meme is

Tuna: Ask her if she knows about “Kilroy Was Here” and if she does, tell her that it’s a meme.

Tuna: A meme is an idea, behavior, or style that spreads by means of imitation from person to person within a culture and often carries symbolic meaning representing a particular phenomenon or theme.

Iroha: You ripped that straight from Wikipedia didn’t you

Tuna: Yeah

Tuna: You really thought I’d actually sit here and type it out manually?

CrackScientist: Commander just show her that clip of Monsoon saying his meme speech

BlancheTheFunny: Oh that one!

BlancheTheFunny: Free will is a myth

CrackScientist: Religion is a joke

Iroha: We’re all pawns controlled by something greater…

BlancheTheFunny: MEMES

BlancheTheFunny: The DNA of the soul!

JustCav: They shape our will!

JustCav: They are the culture; they are everything we pass on

BlancheTheFunny: I love the fact that despite all the conflict our factions have had in the past, we’re still able to be united by memes.

|====================|

AlwaysHorni: Hey, what do you think Blanche’s mom is like?

CrackScientist: I lived with Blanche and her parents for a week while we were in Canada and let me tell you that her mom is a 10/10 milf

CrackScientist: Same blue hair and green eyes as Blanche but she’s got amazing curves and huge boobs

CrackScientist: Like eugen-size

CrackScientist: I mean some serious honkers. a real set of badonkers. packin some dobonhonkeros. massive dohoonkabhankoloos. big ol’ tonhongerekoogers.

SeaBunny: How high are you

CrackScientist: I’m fine thank you

BlancheTheFunny: As someone who has lived with my family for 17 years before I moved to California to attend naval academy, I can confirm that whatever U-73 said about my mom is true

RedNeko: I-

BlancheTheFunny: Jealous?

BlancheTheFunny: ;)

|====================|

BlancheTheFunny: I just remembered a story from my naval academy days

SharkieBoo: What is it?

BlancheTheFunny: You know that I’m close friends with the fleet admiral right?

CrackScientist: Admiral Maria?

CrackScientist: Yeah, we went to the mall together

BlancheTheFunny: When the two of us were in naval academy we actually shared the same dorm room

BlancheTheFunny: Compared to the other dorms ours was probably one of the tidiest.

BlancheTheFunny: The reason we were so disciplined was that Maria set some ground rules for the both of us to follow.

BlancheTheFunny: Am I going off-topic?

CrackScientist: Kinda, but I’m also curious as to how life in the naval academy was

BlancheTheFunny: I’ll finish my story first, but you can feel free to ask me

BlancheTheFunny: No guaranteed answers though because I can’t exactly remember everything

BlancheTheFunny: Anyway, one of the girls in our dorm building was having a costume party and invited everyone to come.

BlancheTheFunny: So I showed up dressed as Madoka Kaname (minus the hair) while Maria went with a homemade ghillie suit and the moment we opened the door we decided to back out

SharkieBoo: Woah, what did you see?

BlancheTheFunny: Some guy wearing a maid outfit and cat ears was on the living room floor butt-chugging a bottle of wine, while a few guys and girls were playing Magic The Gathering right next to him.

BlancheTheFunny: Meanwhile a group of shipgirls had set up a telescope on the balcony and were stargazing.

BlancheTheFunny: Maria and I headed back to our room and cuddled on the sofa while watching Pompo The Cinephile and the first season of SAO.

RedNeko: Wonder what it feels like to cuddle with someone wearing a ghillie suit…

BlancheTheFunny: It felt like I was hugging one of those fake bushes that are used for decoration.

SharkieBoo: Do you still have your Madoka Kaname outfit?

SharkieBoo: I kinda want to see you wearing it

BlancheTheFunny: Yeah, surprisingly I haven’t grown out of it yet

BlancheTheFunny: I still wear it for fun sometimes, but I mainly wear it whenever I’m doing any activity with the Mutsuki-class girls.

|====================|

Direct message: Commander Blanche←→Mainz

Blanche: *Sends an image of her standing in the bathroom with her hand and the bathroom sink covered in a brown liquid*

Blanche: wtf is this I just got it all over my hand, phone and the bathroom sink

Blanche: why does it smell like coffee

Blanche: mainz i swear if you put coffee in the soap dispenser

Mainz: Ummmmm

Blanche: MAINZ

|====================|

Direct Message: Commander Blanche←→Fleet Admiral Maria

Maria: *Sends picture of someone standing in a puddle while wearing socks*

Blanche: What

Maria: Waterproof socks

Blanche: How do you wash them

Maria: Waterproof water

Chapter 20: Musical Talent

Chapter Text

The Submarine Pen

SharkieBoo: Hey girls

SharkieBoo: I made my own cover of a popular song

SharkieBoo: Check it out!

SharkieBoo: *Sends a video recording of her cover*

BlancheTheFunny: Ooh, what song is it?

SharkieBoo: “The Show” by Lenka

SharkieBoo: Have a listen!

The Show (U-101 solo cover)

*The video shows U-101 sitting on her bed holding a guitar. When she starts playing the instrument, the song starts up.*

Opening

I’m just a little bit caught in the middle

Life is a maze and love is a riddle

I don’t know where to go, can’t do it alone

I’ve tried and I don’t know why

Verse

Slow it down, make it stop

Or my heart is going to pop

‘Cause it’s too much

Yeah, it’s a lot

To be something I’m not

I’m a fool

Out of love

‘Cause I just can’t get enough

Chorus

I’m just a little bit caught in the middle

Life is a maze and love is a riddle

I don’t know where to go, can’t do it alone

I’ve tried and I don’t know why

I’m just a little girl lost in the moment

I’m so scared but I don’t show it

I can’t figure it out, it’s bringing me down I know

I’ve got to let it go…

And just enjoy the show!

*Recording ends*

The Submarine Pen

SharkieBoo: What do you think?

BlancheTheFunny: I love it!

BlancheTheFunny: Your voice sounded so beautiful and I could tell you were pretty skilled with the guitar as well

BlancheTheFunny: I always knew that you were our little musician

SharkieBoo: Aww, thanks Commander!

CrackScientist: Hey why didn’t you finish the song

CrackScientist: Not that it wasn’t good, I think it was quite nice

SharkieBoo: I didn’t want it to be too long

SharkieBoo: But I’m still glad you liked it!

RedNeko: Since we’re all talking about our musical talent I figured that I’d share something

RedNeko: *Sends a video recording of her cover of “This Is Home” by Cavetown*

RedNeko: I used to date a guy some time ago, but then we got into a fight that ended our relationship

RedNeko: I made a cover of this song a day after our breakup to vent

This is home (I-19 solo cover)

*The video starts, showing I-19 sitting in her room. She’s holding a ukulele and can be seen crying a little. The redhead takes a deep breath before beginning to play.*

Verse 1

Often I am upset that I cannot fall in love but I guess

This avoids the stress of falling out of it

Are you tired of me yet?

I'm a little sick right now but I swear

When I'm ready I will fly us out of here

Chorus 1

I'll cut my hair

(Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh) To make you stare

(Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh) I'll hide my chest

And I'll figure out a way to get us out of here

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh

Verse 2

Turn off your porcelain face

I can't really think right now in this place

There's too many colors enough to drive all of us insane

Are you dead? Sometimes I think I'm dead

'Cause I can feel ghosts and ghouls wrapping my head

But I don't wanna fall asleep just yet

Chorus 2

My eyes went dark

(Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh) I don't know where

(Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh) My pupils are

But I'll figure out a way to get us out of here

Bridge

Get a load of this monster

He doesn't know how to communicate

His mind is in a different place

Will everybody please give him a little bit of space

Get a load of this train-wreck

His hair's a mess and he doesn't know who he is yet

But little do we know, the stars

Welcome him with open arms

Oh

Closing chorus

Time is

(Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh) Slowly

(Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh) Tracing his face

But strangely he feels at home in this place (ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh)

*I-19 sits there sobbing for a minute before bringing herself to end the recording.*

The Submarine Pen

BlancheTheFunny: Oh no…

BlancheTheFunny: I’m so sorry you had to go through that…

BlancheTheFunny: You feeling better?

RedNeko: Yeah, it still hurts sometimes but…

RedNeko: It’s nothing.

BlancheTheFunny: If you need someone to talk to, I’m always here to listen

RedNeko: Thanks Commander, I really appreciate it

BlancheTheFunny: Actually, I might have something that can cheer you up!

BlancheTheFunny: It’s a song I wrote

BlancheTheFunny: *Sends a video recording titled ‘Bury The Guilt’*

CrackScientist: Are you sure this is the right file?

CrackScientist: Because that name doesn’t sound very cheerful

BlancheTheFunny: It’s a parody

BlancheTheFunny: You’ll see when you watch it

BlancheTheFunny: Also it’s a duet because I somehow managed to convince Maya to join me

CrackScientist: Alright…

Bury The Guilt (Blanche/Maya duet)

*The video starts with Maya sitting in a plastic chair facing away from the camera. Maya then stands up and approaches a microphone.*

Opening (Maya)

BURY THE GUILT DEEP WITHIN!

*Opening instrumental*

Verse 1 (Blanche)

Her carnal temptation

Took over my mind back then

Running from the fallout

Has turned my whole life

To mayhem…

*Instrumental*

Chorus 1 (Blanche and Maya together)

I AM THE STORM THAT IS ESCAPING

EVADING PARENTAL OBLIGATIONS

I AM THE CHANGER OF MY NAME

LIFE IN FLAMES

I AM IN DEBT

JUST TRY AND FIND ME

YOU WON’T TAKE A CENT!!!

FORSAKEN CHILD ABANDONED

A HOUSE AND HOME I WON’T PROVIDE

GROW UP IN POVERTY

WITHOUT A FATHER AT YOUR SIDE

Verse 2 (Maya)

Inherit genetics

They’re all that you’re getting

‘Cause I’ve run away

I’m keeping what’s mine

You’re welcome to whine

But I won’t pay!

I’m never gonna pay the rent for

This kid whose mother I can’t remember

A parent should be warm and tender

But I just can’t be that kind of mentor!

*Instrumental*

Chorus 2 (Blanche and Maya together)

I AM THE STORM THAT IS ESCAPING

EVADING PARENTAL OBLIGATIONS

I AM THE CHANGER OF MY NAME

OFF THE GRID

HIDING FROM DEBT

JUST TRY AND FIND ME

YOU WON’T TAKE A CENT!!!

FORSAKEN CHILD ABANDONED

A HOUSE AND HOME I WON’T PROVIDE

GROW UP IN POVERTY

WITHOUT A FATHER AT YOUR SIDE

DISAPPEAR INTO THE NIGHT

NO INFORMATION LEFT BEHIND

COMMITMENT REPELLING ME

SORRY I JUST DON’T HAVE THE TIME!

*Instrumental*

Bridge 1(Blanche)

Lurking in the shadows under veil of night

False identity staying out of night

Dancing through my daily life

With no paper trail

Detectives and P.I.s have all tried and failed

A derelict that reeks of booze and cigarette ashes

Who’s never registered to vote and never paid taxes

I only deal in cash

Bury it when I make it

So if you want some alimony come try and take it

Bridge 2 (Maya)

You will not take

What I’ve earned

Secret trauma

Childhood yearned

My dad also

Never was there

Never admit

That I cared!

*Instrumental*

Final chorus (Blanche and Maya together)

BURY THE GUILT DEEP WITHIN

NEVER STILL THERE’S NO GOING HOME

SCATTER THOSE FEELINGS ON THE WIND

BECAUSE THIS CASH IS MINE AND MINE ALONE!!!

*Closing instrumental*

*Recording ends*

The Submarine Pen

CrackScientist: Straight away is this a parody of Bury The Light

BlancheTheFunny: Yeah it’s pretty obvious

SharkieBoo: Okay I don’t know many DMC memes but this one made me laugh until I cried lmao

CrackScientist: I feel like Takao or Ember would’ve been a better choice for a Vergil joke because you know…

CrackScientist: They’re pretty motivated.

BlancheTheFunny: Takao was having a day out with Atago and Choukai, and Ember was out on a Siren hunting mission so only Maya was available when I recorded this video.

EpicGamer96: To be fair, Maya is also pretty motivated

EpicGamer96: Just not motivated enough to pay child support

EpicGamer96: btw how did you convince her to help you with this video?

BlancheTheFunny: Turns out that it’s easier to make friends with Maya than one might assume at first.

Chapter 21: The "deepest" posts on the internet

Chapter Text

The Submarine Pen

CrackScientist: So you know those “deep” posts that edgy teens make?

CrackScientist: Like the ones that supposedly have a “deeper” meaning but don’t actually mean sh*t?

BlancheTheFunny: Oh god those ones

BlancheTheFunny: I used to make those when I was an edgy 14-year old…

BlancheTheFunny: Vampire makes these kinds of posts since she’s going through her emo phase

CrackScientist: I found a subreddit for those

CrackScientist: It’s called r/im14andthisisdeep

EpicGamer 96: Fitting

EpicGamer96: Let’s get into it

SharkieBoo: First post I see on there

SharkieBoo: “You can ban a man from a bowling alley but you cannot ban a man from the bank”

BlancheTheFunny: Not if I rob the damn place

SharkieBoo: wait what

JustCav: ///POLICE ASSAULT IN PROGRESS///

CrackScientist: *Razormind starts playing as the drill breaks for the 5th time in 30 seconds*

BlancheTheFunny: This is what people in Detroit must hear constantly

Tuna: can’t have sh*t in detroit

RedNeko: We’re going off topic so i’m gonna steer us back on track

RedNeko: Next post says “Every time I open my eyes, I can see…”

SeaBunny: infinite iq right there

CrackScientist: hmmm yes the floor here is made out of floor

CatShark: “14 year old fell in deep hole next to his house”

CatShark: I’m not joking btw, this is the actual post

BlancheTheFunny: ok that one’s actually pretty funny

AlwaysHorni: “The mirror is my best friend because when I cry it never laughs”

AlwaysHorni: If my mirror laughed when I’m not laughing I’d be scared

BlancheTheFunny: I don’t laugh at you when you cry, so I guess I'm your best friend too?

AlwaysHorni: Awwthank you

BlancheTheFunny: You’re welcome :3

SeaBunny: “Some people smoke to enjoy it”

SeaBunny: “I smoke to die…”

CrackScientist: life speedrun any %

SeaBunny: AKDGASJADLAKLKFSHA

SeaBunny: I’m going to hell for laughing at that

BlancheTheFunny:same here

Archerfish: OH MY GOD I FOUND A POST FROM VAMPIRE

Archerfish: “Maybe if I fall in love with my depression, it’ll leave me too…”

Archerfish: THAT’S HER JUUSTAGRAM STATUS NO CAP

Iroha: Haha get it, because everyone who I love left me

Iroha: On a serious note, is Vampire actually doing alright?

BlancheTheFunny: I don’t think it’s something to be worried about, but I’ll check on her later just to make sure she’s okay

SharkieBoo: “I love walking in the rain because nobody can see my tears”

SharkieBoo: This is so stereotypical that I cringed a little

BlancheTheFunny: If you want a break from these “deep” posts, I have something for you

BlancheTheFunny: I introduce you to InspiroBot

BlancheTheFunny: Just click on the green button in the middle and the AI will generate an “inspirational” quote

CrackScientist: In theory it’s supposed to make deep posts but 50% of the time it’s just hilarious

BustyShark: “If you believe in yourself, you can make it so that your best friend’s wife receives cunniling*s in a public restroom.”

BustyShark: What is wrong with this thing

BlancheTheFunny: It’s completely normal

BlancheTheFunny: Also quick word of advice, if you use it for some time it begins to freak out

BlancheTheFunny: I think the developers intentionally put that in just to mess with whoever uses it

Tuna: Yeah thanks for that, I thought skynet was taking over my f*cking computer

SeaBunny: “Suck hoes now”

SeaBunny: AI is truly a marvel of technology…

AlwaysHorni: “There’s no reason not to promote bukkake”

AlwaysHorni: How does the AI know that I watch that kind of thing?

RedNeko: What

AlwaysHorni: what

CrackScientist: “A lobster plate a day keeps the penises away”

CrackScientist: No comment

Catshark: ok I’m gonna stop using inspirobot

Catshark: it’s starting to creep me out…

Catshark: gn everyone

BlancheTheFunny: Yeah, we should probably head to sleep now

BlancheTheFunny: goodnight girls

SharkieBoo: goodnight commander!

CrackScientist: goodnight commander

CrackScientist: also please try not to take up the entire bed while you sleep

CrackScientist: I know it’s comfortable to lie spread-eagle on the bed but I need space too lol

BlancheTheFunny: bruh

Chapter 22: No longer sub-exclusive and Blanche's CV Cult

Chapter Text

The Submarine Pen

<BlancheTheFunny added Wakatsuki>

Wakatsuki: Hello everyone!

BlancheTheFunny: Girls, say hello to Wakatsuki

CrackScientist: Hey, are you the commander’s second secretary?

Wakatsuki: Yeah!

Wakatsuki: Commander Blanche felt that you had too much work on your hands, so she asked me to help out!

SharkieBoo: Isn’t this group chat meant for submarines only?

BlancheTheFunny: Despite the name, I never said that this was exclusively for submarines

BlancheTheFunny: Besides she’s too cute to not invite to the chat

BlancheTheFunny: btw I already told her who is who in here

RedNeko: Ok quick test who am I?

Wakatsuki: I-19

RedNeko: That was fast…

RedNeko: Guess we don’t have to introduce ourselves because that’s already been done for us

BlancheTheFunny: Oh and one more thing

<BlancheTheFunny changed Wakatsuki’s name to ‘SlapdashSparrow’>

SlapdashSparrow: WTF?!

BlancheTheFunny: We like to change our display names to funny things

BlancheTheFunny: it’s just for some fun, don’t take it too seriously

SlapdashSparrow: Okay…

CrackScientist: Wakatsuki what games do you play

CrackScientist: Like do you play any video games

SlapdashSparrow: I play World of Warships

CrackScientist: What ship do you main?

SlapdashSparrow: I main Lexington, Baltimore and Harbin

BlancheTheFunny: Wait…

BlancheTheFunny: You play Lexington???

SlapdashSparrow: Uhh, yeah

SlapdashSparrow: What’s up with that?

BlancheTheFunny: Ayyy Lexington buddies

BlancheTheFunny: I still use Lexi even though I already have Midway, FDR, Malta, and Indomitable

SharkieBoo: You’re not just a CV player, are you?

BlancheTheFunny: Nah I got other ships too

SharkieBoo: Alright which ones

BlancheTheFunny: Haarlem, Anchorage, Puerto Rico, Halland, North Carolina, Shikishima, and Salem

BlancheTheFunny: Yes I spent quite a bit on money on this game

CrackScientist: I find it funny how you have so many cruisers and CVs but only a single destroyer

CrackScientist: You must really hate destroyers…

BlancheTheFunny: Among you girls, subs and destroyers are my favorites because it’s easier for me to get along with them

BlancheTheFunny: But in WoWS, DDs are a carrier player’s worst nightmare

BlancheTheFunny: Especially after they changed the attack aircraft to have a short “windup” before they launch their rockets.

SlapdashSparrow: I wanna buy a T8 premium but I don’t know which one to buy

BlancheTheFunny: Just get whichever one you feel is your favorite, but avoid Cheshire

BlancheTheFunny: It has a citadel the size of a f*cking island

SlapdashSparrow: Okay…

SlapdashSparrow: I narrowed it down to Saipan and Kaga, but I can’t decide on which one.

BlancheTheFunny: It depends

BlancheTheFunny: If you’re new to carriers, get Kaga because of the hangar size and ease of use

BlancheTheFunny: If you know what you’re doing, get Saipan to sneak T10 planes into T8.

BlancheTheFunny: Or if you have the coupons to spare, get both of them.

SlapdashSparrow: I only have one coupon, so I’m settling on Kaga

SlapdashSparrow: Extremely easy to use and losing planes won’t be too much of an issue even if I get uptiered

BlancheTheFunny: Nice

BlancheTheFunny: Welcome to the carrier cult wakatsuki

SlapdashSparrow: ehehe

SlapdashSparrow: thanks

Iroha: Commander stop asking people to join your CV cult

BlancheTheFunny: Come on it’s just for a bit of fun

BlancheTheFunny: I also encourage using other ship classes

Iroha: Sure…

Chapter 23: Two truths, One Lie

Chapter Text

The Submarine Pen

BlancheTheFunny: I’m bored

BlancheTheFunny: Who wants to play two truths one lie

CrackScientist: I’m in

SharkieBoo: I don’t have anything better to do, so I’m in as well

Tuna: Welp, I guess everyone wants to play

BlancheTheFunny: Alright I’ll go first

BlancheTheFunny: You all know how to play TTOL right?

SlapdashSparrow: Yeah, you try to identify the false statement

BlancheTheFunny: Yes, so I’ll begin

BlancheTheFunny: I sleep naked

BlancheTheFunny: I used to wet the bed until I was 14

BlancheTheFunny: I don’t like dark coffee

CrackScientist: The lie is “I sleep naked”

BlancheTheFunny: How did you know so quickly?

CrackScientist: I literally share a bed with you and I can feel your pajamas whenever we cuddle

Catshark: Wait so you used to piss the bed until you were 14?!

BlancheTheFunny: As much as I wish it was a lie, it’s not

BlancheTheFunny: I wet the bed so frequently that I used one of those mattress protectors

BlancheTheFunny: Every time I think back on it, I want to die in a hole

CrackScientist: To take the attention off of you, I’ll go next

CrackScientist: Find the lie

CrackScientist: I blew up the R&D lab once

CrackScientist: I used to cook meth and sell it to Akashi after hours

CrackScientist: I got banned from U-101’s Minecraft server for building a giant statue of a co*ck and balls

RedNeko: Damn

RedNeko: This is the hardest one so far

RedNeko: Because you seem like the kind of person to do all three things

RedNeko: I’m praying that number 2 is the lie

CrackScientist: nope

SharkieBoo: The lie is “I blew up the R&D lab once”

SharkieBoo: I know this because I was the one who banned you from my server

SharkieBoo: dickhe*d

CrackScientist: Alright you got me

CrackScientist: The lie is number one

BlancheTheFunny: Wait…

BlancheTheFunny: YOU USED TO COOK METH?!

CrackScientist: Yeah, back when the previous commander was still running the place

CrackScientist: I stopped when the DEA came to investigate and I destroyed all the evidence

BlancheTheFunny: But why would you do it in the first place

CrackScientist: Watched Breaking Bad and figured I could make good money by using the same method as Walter White

BlancheTheFunny: Understandable

Wakatsuki: Mind if I go next?

BlancheTheFunny: Sure, why not?

Wakatsuki: Alright

Wakatsuki: I can use water breathing from demon slayer

Wakatsuki: Blanche and I swapped costumes for a day

Wakatsuki: I can play the kazoo

AlwaysHorni: I’m gonna guess that first one is the lie

Wakatsuki: Yep

SeaBunny: Wait so you can actually play the kazoo????

Wakatsuki: Yeah I know how to play The Only Thing I Know For Real

SeaBunny: Also I wanna know more about that costume swap

BlancheTheFunny: Oh that was one of my favorite things I ever did

BlancheTheFunny: Basically we decided that I would put on Wakatsuki’s outfit and she’d put on my uniform just to see if anyone could spot the difference.

BlancheTheFunny: It worked because we were the same size and the only real way to tell us apart is our eye color and hairstyle.

Iroha: So how long did you last?

Parsival: Wakatsuki had her cover blown almost immediately when I went to deliver documents to the Commander.

Iroha: oof

Iroha: What about you Commander?

BlancheTheFunny: I managed to last up until training, when I tried to walk on water like the other destroyer girls and almost drowned…

BlancheTheFunny: Nimi had to pull me out of the water and that was when she noticed it wasn’t Wakatsuki she rescued.

CrackScientist: lol imagine not being able to walk on water

CrackScientist: Surprising you managed to not be noticed until someone got a close look.

BlancheTheFunny: Haha yeah

BlancheTheFunny: I honestly liked the way Wakatsuki’s outfit looked on me

BlancheTheFunny: Anyway, who wants to go next?

Iroha: I can go!

Iroha: Okay…

Iroha: I used a torpedo as a baseball bat

Iroha: I keep a sea slug as a pet

Iroha: I own gun

OtherSeaBunny: I hope the first one is the lie, otherwise I’m gonna wonder how you’re still alive

Iroha: You’re correct

OtherSeaBunny: Oh thank god

SharkieBoo: Wait, you own a gun?!

Iroha: Yeah, it’s only a pistol

Iroha: What’s wrong with that

Parsival: This makes me see Iroha in a whole new light…

BlancheTheFunny: *The Sirens are invading*

BlancheTheFunny: *Iroha pulls out her Desert Eagle*

BlancheTheFunny: “Not on my f*cking watch!”

CrackScientist: *Loads a Snickers bar into it and runs to her front door*

SharkieBoo: I’m sorry but that image just made me laugh uncontrollably

SharkieBoo: I’m f*cking dying someone pls helppp lmao

Iroha: Who wants to go next while these clowns recover?

Tuna: I’ll go next

Tuna: I have an intense hatred for the M2 Bradley

Tuna: I kissed a dolphin

Tuna: I hate sushi

Archerfish: I’m guessing the M2 Bradley one?

Tuna: Nope

Tuna: The lie is that I hate sushi

BlancheTheFunny: Ignoring the other two statements

BlancheTheFunny: Why do you hate the M2 Bradley?

Tuna: My hatred for it is purely based on Call Of Duty

Tuna: Because whenever you’re next to a Bradley it just f*cking explodes

Tuna: Like in 4 separate missions in Modern Warfare it’s just “PUSH UP WITH THE BRADLEY”

Tuna: You get 10 feet and it just gets RPG’d immediately

BlancheTheFunny: Same

BlancheTheFunny: Puma supremacy

SeaBunny: I’ll go next!

SeaBunny: I sleep with a baseball bat for self defense

SeaBunny: I don’t like my sister

SeaBunny: I have a pet fish

OtherSeaBunny: Please be number 2

SeaBunny: Yes

RedNeko: Why do you have a baseball bat

SeaBunny: Like I said, for self defense

SeaBunny: If someone tries to break into my room they’re getting hit by the louisville slugger

BlancheTheFunny: It’s getting kind of late…

BlancheTheFunny: Do you wanna call it a day or keep going?

CrackScientist: Let’s call it a day, I’m getting sleepy

BlancheTheFunny: Alright, goodnight everyone!

Iroha: Sleepytime

Chapter 24: Valentine's Day Disasters

Chapter Text

The Submarine Pen

BlancheTheFunny: Since valentine's day has passed, share some of the best/worst valentine’s day disasters and f*ckups you’ve seen or experienced

BlancheTheFunny: I’ll go first

CrackScientist: This better not about what happened last week

BlancheTheFunny: Yes it is about what happened last week

CrackScientist: bruh moment

Iroha: So what happened?

BlancheTheFunny: So Wakatsuki and U-73 were making valentine’s day chocolates for me and I was helping them because they were a bit inexperienced with cooking

BlancheTheFunny: I leave to go take a phone call from my mom for 10 minutes

BlancheTheFunny: I come back and half the kitchen is on fire

CrackScientist: I promise it had nothing to do with me

BlancheTheFunny: Anyways we put out the fire and made a pretty good batch of chocolates

SharkieBoo: why is it that any time U-73 cooks something it inevitably causes a fire?

CrackScientist: hey at least nobody died

CrackScientist: anyway time for my story

CrackScientist: last year Blanche and I were out eating at a japanese restaurant for a date

CrackScientist: The food was pretty expensive but it was also very delicious so it was worth it

CrackScientist: But the next day I woke up with a horrible stomach ache and threw up 5 minutes later

CrackScientist: turns out we both got food poisoning…

Iroha: dang

Iroha: that sucks

CrackScientist: Thankfully mine was cleared up very quickly

CrackScientist: The commander on the other hand…

BlancheTheFunny: I spent three days with severe diarrhea and vomiting

BlancheTheFunny: I went to see Jervis on the second day and she diagnosed me with gastroenteritis

BlancheTheFunny: Had to call in Admiral Maria to cover for me while I was sh*tting my guts out

BlancheTheFunny: 0/10 would not experience again

BlancheTheFunny: Any other stories?

SharkieBoo: throwback to last year when U-47 was moaning about not getting a valentine's day gift

SharkieBoo: Mutsuki overheard and decided to send her a valentine’s card signed “?”

SharkieBoo: U-47 cried for 2 hours because she thought she had a stalker

BustyShark: worst valentine’s day ever…

SharkieBoo: I love Mutsuki but she has her dumb moments

BlancheTheFunny: You mean like the time we went on a skiing trip with Blucher

BlancheTheFunny: Mutsuki locked me out of our cabin while it was freezing cold outside and thought it was the funniest sh*t in the history of the world

BlancheTheFunny: If it wasn’t for Blucher opening the door I would’ve frozen to death

CrackScientist: that incident single handedly convinced me that Mutsuki is secretly a psychopath

Catshark: that’s not saying much

CrackScientist: stfu

Iroha: Allow me to chime in with my own valentine’s day f*ck up from this year

Iroha: I didn’t know how to make my own valentine’s chocolates, so I decided to order a box of chocolate-coated strawberries from a shop in the city

Iroha: My mistake was trusting a courier service instead of picking them up my damn self

Iroha: When the package arrived EVERY SINGLE ONE had the chocolate broken into pieces

Iroha: Thanks FedEx, because of you I almost cried on valentine’s day…

BlancheTheFunny: They were still delicious, right?

SharkieBoo: She threw them out before we could eat any T^T

SharkieBoo: But at least she made up for it later that day

SeaBunny:At least your gift was something nice

SeaBunny: Last year someone sent me a valentine’s day gift

SeaBunny: I was expecting it to be some candy or chocolate

SeaBunny: I open the box and it was a heart made of condoms

SeaBunny: A heart

SeaBunny: made out of f*ckING CONDOMS

SeaBunny: WTF

Iroha: BAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Iroha: I feel so sorry for you but damn did that image make me laugh

RedNeko: I was hanging out with her when she opened the gift and I actually saw her die a little on the inside

Catshark: I can just picture her reaction

Catshark: “Ooh I wonder what I got sent on valentine’s day?”

Catshark: “Hopefully it’s candy!”

Catshark: She opens the box

Catshark: “Bruh”

SharkieBoo: hahaha

SlapdashSparrow: Mine is a bit more light-hearted but still funny

SlapdashSparrow: This year I tried making my own chocolates for the first time (ignoring that incident with U-73 and the kitchen fire)

SlapdashSparrow: Anyway I finished making the chocolates and put them in the fridge that’s in the cafeteria

SlapdashSparrow: When I come back, Minazuki had eaten the entire box in one sitting

SlapdashSparrow: Keep in mind that there were like 10 chocolates in the box, and she inhaled all of them in the span of 5 minutes

EpicGamer96: How did you find out?

SlapdashSparrow: I found her throwing up brown puke next to the crime scene…

SlapdashSparrow: I had to make an entire second batch and put it in the fridge in my dorm room

SlapdashSparrow: Not fun

Archerfish: If you think that’s bad, last year my valentine’s day started with having to remove those velcro balls out of Cavalla’s hair because Albacore decided to “prank” her while she was asleep

Boneshark: sibling love is such a wonderful and mysterious thing

Tuna: Cav’s still upset about it bruh

CrackScientist: you put f*cking bunchems in her hair the night before valentine’s day

CrackScientist: what did you think was going to happen

CrackScientist: actions have consequences dumbass

BlancheTheFunny: ah yes, Bunchems

BlancheTheFunny: Satan’s hair accessory

Archerfish: It took me 2 hours to get all of them out because I didn’t want to cut Cavalla’s hair

Archerfish: To add insult to injury, her valentine's date dumped her and she spent the rest of the day crying…

Archerfish: thanks for that albacore

Tuna: f*ck you

BlancheTheFunny: and on that note I think I’m gonna close the thread

BlancheTheFunny: I expected some funny stories but almost everything is about you all crying on valentine’s day

BlancheTheFunny: Now I’m sad :<

CrackScientist: Maybe playing minecraft with Wakatsuki and I will cheer you up?

BlancheTheFunny: Yeah, thanks you two :3

Chapter 25: Not So Amazing Grace (Thanksgiving 2023 sh*tpost)

Chapter Text

The Submarine Pen

BlancheTheFunny: alright it’s turkey season let’s share our thanksgiving disaster stories!

BlancheTheFunny: I’m bored lmao

CrackScientist: why don’t you start us off?

BlancheTheFunny: sure

BlancheTheFunny: it’s a bit short but it’s hilarious

BlancheTheFunny: when I was 5, the whole family came over for thanksgiving including my aunts and uncles

BlancheTheFunny: I was standing on the couch in front of the TV just messing about

BlancheTheFunny: when one of my uncles walked up to me I balled up my fist and punched him straight in the nuts for literally no reason

Tuna: ASDAWOFIAOCSDCDWSD

Tuna: I feel bad for the dude but man that must’ve been hysterical

Iroha: I’ll keep this short since this happened last year and almost all of the Sakura shipgirls know this

Iroha: Sakura Empire hosts a thanksgiving dinner for battleships, carriers, and cruisers

Iroha: Subs and destroyers aren’t allowed without a guardian since there’s alcohol being served

Iroha: Musashi made a fruit salad

Iroha: Chikuma gave some wonderful fruit salad to Shigure

Iroha: Fruit was soaked in sake

Iroha: Chikuma doesn’t find out until Shigure already ate half the plate

Iroha: Chaos ensues

SharkieBoo: yikes

SharkieBoo: what was the aftermath like

Iroha: some yelling and finger pointing before Nagato managed to break up the argument

JustCav: I’m surprised a fight didn’t break out

JustCav: anyway time for my story

JustCav: you guys know that Laffey owns a Samoyed right?

BlancheTheFunny: ye

BlancheTheFunny: floofy boi

JustCav: yeah anyway

JustCav: Laffey’s dog took a sh*t in the oven last year

JustCav: then before she can clean it up, some dickhe*d decides to turn it on

JustCav: room cleared

CrackScientist: sh*tting tears rn

CrackScientist: wtf bruh 💀

JustCav: Allen M Sumner is still looking for the person who committed the atrocity so she can whack them in the head with a rolling pin

BlancheTheFunny: so that’s where the smell was coming from…

CrackScientist: time for my story

CrackScientist: I’m part of the ironblood but I celebrate thanksgiving with the Commander and she’s American, so I get to witness all sorts of Eagle Union shenanigans

CrackScientist: I saw Essex stuff herself with as much turkey and casserole one year

CrackScientist: She ended up puking so hard she blacked out on the floor

CrackScientist: Came by a minute later and she was being carried back to her dorm by New Jersey

BlancheTheFunny: Ah Essex…

BlancheTheFunny: the only shipgirl on this base with an appetite that rivals Yuudachi’s

SlapdashSparrow: that was also the same year I was asked to recite the Lord’s Prayer in front of everyone

SlapdashSparrow: it was my first time and I was so nervous I ended up saying “Howard be thy name”

Iroha: never knew Wakatsuki was a christian

SlapdashSparrow: relax I’m not that kind of christian

SlapdashSparrow: besides I’m still new to the religion, so I’m doing bible studies with Richelieu

Archerfish: I remember when we all gathered in the Yorktown-class dorms for a Thanksgiving dinner

Archerfish: Hornet pulled out a bayonet and started swinging it around to show off

Archerfish: long story short, it ended up lodged in the ceiling where it stayed for 3 months

Parsival: What about I-19?

RedNeko: I just had to fight a swarm of bees…

BlancheTheFunny: holy sh*t

BlancheTheFunny: you okay?

RedNeko: yeah

RedNeko: no idea how I managed to not get stung

RedNeko: the bees are still outside btw so…

RedNeko: just be careful

SeaBunny: OH sh*t

SeaBunny: AAAAAAAAAAAAACKAEBDEFVOUAW0CAD0CAWNOGWH

OtherSeaBunny: rip bozo

BlancheTheFunny: There goes our first casualty of the season…

BlancheTheFunny: I’m gonna wrap it up here and go save I-26

BlancheTheFunny: Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

BlancheTheFunny: now how do I get rid of the bees…